That song below is a Pedro the Lion song (as credited) that I absolutely love and that hits me in a deep place every time I hear it because it is where I am.

And Justin McRoberts opened his portion of the Ash Wednesday service last night with his version of that song.

And it hit me how much it really is where I am. And how it is why I have not gone to many church services of various sorts over the past few months, honestly.

In my ballroom dancing class last semester, there was a woman named Carol who talked to me sometimes about Christianity. She invited me to church once when she came over for practice, and I declined.. part of it, honestly, was because I didn't really feel as connected on a deep level to her as I think she did to me .. the bigger part, though, as I told her upright: "I just need to take a break for a while, which is completely rare for me. I cannot handle Church right now. I need to need it, and I don't right now -- I'm too needed. I need to be without it for a while until I cannot exist without it again."

She said she didn't understand and invited me again. I declined again and have mostly declined ever since until one of the most incredible Christians I have ever known (from work, no less), invited me to the church he goes to a couple of weeks ago.

I went to their Wednesday night service that week and got emotionally assaulted by this guy there that bordered on the psycho-charismatic type who talked about how God had put us in eachother's life -- within the first hour and a half he knew me, btw. For all he knows, I really am an axe-murderer.. but because he felt some ounce of attraction to me, apparently God was telling him directly (and not me, mind you) that he and I would be together.

Right.

So the next week I was intending fully to go but was genuinely ill that entire day and ended up coming home and getting in my PJ's and resting all night. The next Wednesday was last night and was Justin's concert and so I did not go again.

Next Wednesday, I will go to their service again and will stay far away from that guy and make my opinion on that matter very, very clear. And hopefully when I come home there will not be a pile of fecus on my door as there was that first Wednesday, coincidentally I can only hope.

So now I am going to go to bed and hopefully refresh for what will be a very long day (as usual now) tomorrow.. but boy is it fun to have this laptop, to have a computer at home again! It's funney for me to be learning about this stuff when I wasn't before . . . but this just makes it more apparent how many years it has really been since I last had primary control of a computer (maybe '97 for reals and '02 of a ghetto version) and how much of a gap has come into play since.

And I'm still adjusting to typing on this keyboard, too.

"I still want to trust you...."