I went back to the church I mentioned last week and it was a good service again and the dude there wasn't a problem at all (even when I was sitting right next to him because I was talking to my friend Terri who knows him ... we said hi to eachother, but that was all) and I managed to not develop any crushes on any of the guys there, even the ones from London (which is very helpful since I've given up guys at least for Lent and maybe that commitment I had a few years ago is coming back) and I'll certainly be going back next week. I don't know that I've found a new church -- this one really is a little too charismatic overall for me (no offense to my more charismatic friends, but ya'll already know that's just not me) and I.. yah.

But even if this isn't my new church home, it's a darn good place to start, and I'm really glad I've gone. It makes me feel good that I'm finally back at a place where I'm not only leaving my house either for work or my bars. And it makes me feel good to SEE community, and to be a part of it as much as I will allow myself, and to see the same faces every week knowing that the one bond between us isn't the Navy or needing a place to hang out .. it is a love for Christ and a willingness to accept His grace. It is wanting to know God, wanting to serve Him. That concept is so foreign to the military, and I've started to adapt some of the Navy's thoughts .. the idea that each raise is at least a bigger paycheck, that staying in 'till retirement is benifical monitarily and therefore worth it.

I was talking to Terri tonight, whose husband is retired from the Navy. I mentioned to her that I just wasn't happy there.

She said "You know, after what I went through, losing my daughter... money doesn't make me happy. I could be in a ramshackle hut for all that it mattered. It really puts it in perspective, and it just doesn't matter."

I just doesn't matter. Not that much. Not enough for me to be unhappy, to be so burnt out. Not enough for me to lose time with people that I love in order to provide for them comfortably.

I talked with her about how I sometimes I think about the good things that I could do if I made more -- about some of the good things I'm doing now just having a steady income. But also about all of the good things I used to do that I can't anymore because I'm so burnt out .. about the parts of ME and not just my wallet that I used to be able to give to people. When I lived in Lynchburg and had no money, there were people who knew that I would give away every penny I had if I really felt like it would help, but they also saw how I gave of myself and any possessions that I had. And now that I don't give of my time, I don't give of my money as much either .. I'm too busy trying to use it to fill voids, and writing checks or setting up allotments to charities just seems so empty. It doesn't feel like I'm actually doing anything.

The money isn't worth it.

So my supervisor's supervisor's supervisor (that is, the LT Commander that is basically three levels above me in my chain of command) came in today and asked me about my officer's package and when I needed to set up interviews and stuff.

He was one of the most encouraging people my first time around, always asking for updates. It is perhaps mostly because of him that I actually put in a commissioning package.

I told him today, more bluntly than I had before, that I don't believe I'm going to reapply. That I had not yet decided to reapply. His response was "didn't you decide that last year when you put the package in?" I agreed that yes, last year I did want to get selected and I did want to pursue that path, but since then I'd seen a lot more of the Navy and (more significantly) a lot more of myself.

I started to say that I just don't know that I'd be happier on that side, but he got called away abou when I got through "hap".

I may be hearing more about it over the next couple of days. I may not. If I were them, I would've given up hope on me a while ago .. I'm a stubborn little stinker.

I've developed this permanent furrow in my brow that I hope will go away during my leave in April.

Of course, Rosie Thomas is playing at Jammin' Java on Friday the 14th right when I'll be back here and done with leave. And I can't find a tour date listing for her. Grr.

Ah, well.

The furrow will fade, the muscles will relax a little. I will take things more lightly, and people will take me more lightly.

Maybe by the time I'm 40 I'll be free again.