Today was my comp day for working (really working, not just duty) 11 days straight over the past two weeks. However, I had to turn over duty and I had some other work that had to be done, so I was there from 0620 to after noon (closer to 1300) which really means less than half a day off.

I went home with a migraine, leaving lots of work on my desk for tomorrow, which really makes me uncomfortable. And then, while lying in bed waiting for word about when my plumbing will be fixed and hoping for my migraine to go away, I remembered several items that really needed to get done that I had not done before I left.

This is the thing about getting overwhelmed and burnt out.

So after calling work to let them know about those items, I was still lying in bed, thinking about how I can be so overwhelmed and so burnt out even though I meet most of the Navy's definitions of a very successful junior career: I have advanced quickly, I do fairly well at my job, I know the Navy regulations decently well, and I'm somewhat sought after in departments. I get good customer service comments from most of my Reservists, and I'm a "go-to" person for both tasks and information. Overall, people can rely on me and I learn quickly. So why am I feeling so unsuccessful?

I realized exactly why today. If at the next All-Hands meeting at my command I were to ask a few simple questions of particular import to me, I would not be very glad for the results.

I would ask, "Has anyone here been motivated to live a life more pleasing to God, because of my presence? Has anyone here felt the love of Christ on their lives more? Has anyone here found more interest in serving the Creator of the Universe as opposed to just their country or government? Has anyone here really felt displayed in me the kind of love I desire to live out? Has anyone here seen in me the unconditional love of the Christ I profess to believe in; indeed, whom I profess lives in me?"

I don't know that there would be very many positive answers. I think that at work I come across as a hard-charging, ambitious individual with a fair amount of intelligence and a significant vision for the big picture -- but the big picture in this perception is the Navy's mission, not the grand scheme of Creation or the eternal and abundant life in which I'm participating.

That is, people see me as a good Sailor -- not necessarily a good Christian. I don't think that the definition of good Christian is really as understood anymore. However, that is no reason for people to not see it in me.

I was thinking about the famous St. Francis quote about spreading the gospel to everyone you meet, and using words if necessary. Is my life one that reflects the love, mercy, and grace of God clearly, or just reflects me as a "rising superstar" and God as an afterthought?

I was thinking about servanthood and washing feet and taking the last seat at a dinner. So contrary to the values of this world and even more contrary to the values of the military's advancement system. And what does the advancement system affect -- paychecks, responsibility, and authority. So why has that mattered to me in some ways more than servanthood and things that will effect eternity? There is the underlying theory that with more authority there would be more influence, but I don't think that's necessarily true at all. Perhaps as the most junior person fulfilling the most junior roles without complaint I could have more influence than as a senior enlisted who would be in my office more often than not. I don't know. It's possible to have great influence on both ends of the spectrum and every point in between, so I need to focus on the now right now and let the later come when it does.

I was thinking about how people there can perceive me as arrogant and selfish, as not being a member of the team. Now, there's only so much people can do for others' perceptions, and I do get very frustrated trying with little measurable result. And of course, plenty of people had very inacurate perceptions of Christ Himself, so I don't need to worry myself over my coworker's perceptions too much. However, I do need to make sure that there is not just cause for such perceptions.

God made me who I am through my personality and my experiences. There are certain characteristics that He has in me intentionally that I will not share with, say, Jesus, Henry Nouwen, St. Francis or St. Clare, or Rich Mullins. And some of those characteristics should not be changed in an attempt to emulate others by becoming something that I am not -- some of them are things that may bring glory to God in a way that others with different characteristics might not. It's hard, though, to find which those are and which of my characteristics are really character flaws.

Until more of those questions can be answered with a yes, with a "you have shown me the love of God, you have inspired me to love God more and to live a life pleasing to Him", I am not successful at all.

I do need to regain my focus in order to overcome the burnout. My focus is the love of God for me and my love for God. My focus is being the only Christ that many of these people will see.

The same has always been true for my interactions with my family, friends, strangers. I am nothing if I am not living out God's love.