See, the thing about fostering such a very competative environment is that it also fosters a huge sense of "being threatened" when someone who is naturally good at a certain job comes along even if said someone is not so competative herself.

In the Civilian world, including in my current and past college classes, a natural talent meant that I was the person one wanted to be around, so that one could achieve his or her own greatest because he or she would benifit from forming a mutually positive relationship with me. That is, we are all good at some things and bad at some things in this world, (disclaimer: I do not mean the following in the cheesy way it may sound) and we can all help eachother become the best possible overall if we all work together happily. Realistically, that just can't happen in all cases. However (comma), a company, class, or organization can do very well if team success maximally encouraged and if individual success is not so high-pressure -- so that the naturally good can succeed without the naturally not-good being affected or feeling threatened.

I guess that works in most classes or civilian environments because the individual is up against a certain scale, a varifiable goal. You will take a test, and you will get a percentage score on that test based upon the number of questions that you as an individual answered correctly. And then your final grade will be composed of what you as an individual accomplished throughout the class.

When you are concretely up against eachother and yet are supposed to work together harmoniously -- well, you can imagine what that fosters. A cross-country team, for example, is really all one team and so everyone working to get everyone to their best means that whatever 5 best of the 7 teammates happen to be that day, the team does better than the other teams. A non-team running race does fine because everyone is in competition with eachother, period. You win some, you lose some, but the running community in any local area tends to be very tight and have great friendships come from it.

So competition inherent in life is not the problem. But competition inherent in the scale of individual success is. It is a very big problem.

Way I figure it, if I'm gonna be so under the microscope that I can never be perfect and that people are going to let accusations fly should I be rewarded for something even while I am not perfect (because, of course, if your standards are lower for Joe Schmuckatelly over there, Joe can be at about 80 percent of the performance I regularly do and therefore maybe 64 percent of perfect, but since he is meeting your standards for him enough, no one cares.. but if I am within 20 percent of perfect, the standard I am supposed to meet is absolutely perfect and even one hair out of place or one minute later than 5 minutes early or such.. boy does that just jump right out at you and convince you I'm a complete dirtbag!) .. .. ..

Therefore, if I am too good to be accepted as imperfect and too bad to be seen as perfect, I will never get the rewards set up to motivate people to do their best. So I am stuck in a trench where I am expected to do my best but not motivated externally and too tired to motivate myself internally, especially when I watch all the dirtbags (and the not-so-dirtbags-but-not-superstars-either) get the goods and the pats on the back.

It's kinda like all those vents I did before I joined about how I had made enough good decisions not to be eligible for welfare and enough bad ones to need it.

Then, nomatter how much I ask for help or express that I'm burnt out or anything else, I'm being told that I don't ask for help enough. But because I "don't ask for help enough", the help I ask for is constantly denied or overlooked.

Grr. Argh.

It isn't that Canada's looking nicer this time of year. It's just that I'm completely exhausted all of the time now. I fell asleep in my ballroom dancing class the other day. I have already given up my volunteering (the youth group from the church I used to go to) and much of my social life and the idea that I might be able to do some of my homework -- this is why my math class grade is suffering so much and even in ballroom dancing I'm not doing as well as I should be able to. My house is messier than I'd like, my car is still not fixed. At least at boot camp I wasn't expected to take classes and volunteer and be responsible for my healt-finances-emotions-religion-etc and have a social life in my off-time. There was no off-time. But that was the nature of the beast. Here, what off-time I do have (which is limited) is expected to be filled with so much stuff. And all that considering I don't even have a husband or kids to take care of! I just can't put this much time in at work and still get anything productive done outside of it.

I just can't.

So, here's to hoping things will change FOR THE BETTER very soon. I know that may come in disguise.. I just hope it comes at all.