I just thought that I should clarify the last post a little. I had a migraine and I was struggling to think straight, talking with Mel on AIM, and somewhat distracted by the random music and conversations going on around me in the Liberty Center. (So, I wasn't posting from a work computer on which we're no longer allowed to visit any non-official sites. I was posting from the Liberty Center which is like a Rec Center, basically, where they have computers set up for any military to use.)

I was thinking about the guy thing, the relationship thing, because I have not had any real relationships since I got here. And because the quasi-could-have-been-but-really-not-relationships that I found almost happening were all significantly inferior even in concept to any of the quasi-relationships OR real relationships I had in Virginia.

I have this friend in South Florida that I had a certain amount of interest in in high school, and probably would have found interest in since had he ever indicated any of his own. And the last couple of times I went down to visit everyone, he was pretty flattering at times and almost seemed like he might almost appreciate me as a real human being and maybe even a girl these days, more than he may have in the past. And then the very last time I went down he seemed to be strongly implying interest or at least that my visit was something he was looking forward to and not just to be nice, and really not just as the old friend from high school who you catch up with for a few minutes and then go on about your lives for a while.

But when I got there, there was this really awkward time of his girlfriend (who he hadn't ever mentioned to me) being there and maybe being a little threatened by me -- though I'm a pro at putting girlfriends at ease and that didn't last long. But I think that seeing people in their couplehood tends to give me a new perspective and usually tends to bring out the true them to any observant third parties. In other words, I can see some married or dating couples and think more highly of each member because of how they interact with eachother, or I can see some and (unless I have some reason to believe I just caught them on a bad day) notice, through their interaction with eachother, flaws that would not have otherwise been so apparent. And with this friend of mine, the way that he was with his girlfriend was not really the him that I had known before. It was eye-opening. And the way that he had pretty well convinced me that he might be thinking about being interested and meanwhile he has this girlfriend who is quite attached to him also made me very frustrated. Though she surely would never have known it.

I think that he and I have grown apart as friends in a whole new way, and maybe our future visits should just be those "catch up for a little while and then go on about your lives" type. He's a great guy and a good friend when he wants to be, so I don't want to lose that. I've lost it more than enough times before. But straining it won't help anything either, of course.

When people reach about 20 years old, give or take a few years depending on the region and culture in which they're living, they tend to find themselves at That Age where (even more than high school) it seems like everyone they know is dating or engaged or getting married, maybe even having children. And then several years later, it tends to even out where only so many people still aren't married and there are less significant changes of that type happning in the lives of people they know.

And I found that happening to me as I reached the end of my teen years, and still to this day.

What I'm finding to be the definition of That Age for me, though, is a little different.

When I was a younger child, I didn't fit in with kids my age at all and didn't really fit in with adults, although that realization wasn't about to stop me from trying to hang with the grown people. And as I grew up, that continued -- I was usually friends with people much older than myself, or with people at least somewhat younger, but rarely very many people my own age. As I neared my twenties and on into the earlier part, I found myself feeling that it was starting to even out. My Old-Soul-Self wasn't quite as much older as many of the people my age anymore, and I was able to relate to more of them, while maintaining a singificant number of friendships with people either much older or a good amount younger as well. I was really quite glad that it seemed to be evening out, that I seemed to be a little more normal just by getting older.

But I think that it has crested and is starting to go back along the bell curve now. I am again finding it harder to relate to people my own age, finding myself much older than many and much younger than some. That is, the part of me that is an Old Soul doesn't fit in well among the less mature characters my age, and the part of me that never quite matured properly doesn't fit in well with the more mature characters my age, and for whatever reason they won't just switch themselves around so that I can seem younger around the less mature and older around the more mature. Thus, the gap has returned. Maybe a little stronger for its difference this time.

Meanwhile, all of that aside, I am finding plenty of time to think about my nearly-a-year in the Navy, and all of the events that have taken place, and all of who I have become in the process. I am doing a LOT of introspetion and self-analysis these days. There are two significant things I'll try to share as briefly and yet completely as I can.

The first is that I really don't do so well under the kind of pressure or expectations I am currently finding over me. It's like when a child gets an A in school and then is expected to always get A's and maybe even looked down upon for not getting them previously. Or when a child plays a piano composition very well and shows great promise and then his or her entire identity IS piano compositions. It'll wreck a child. It'll wreck a person of any age. And my Naval career is something like that now. Where I am doing so well that I am not allowed to not do well, I am not allowed to be anything short of the up-and-coming Superstar that I have been labeled. I have a hard time with it. Because really, I got here by being myself. And now I suddenly have to be something that I am not -- the perfect, ideal, wonderful little creature that never does anything wrong, even the same things she always did wrong (like coming in late) because now all of a sudden that's out of her character.

It's like when I was hanging out at the bar in Lynchburg for a year and people there STILL thought I didn't drink just because I never got drunk. They'd see me with beer or wine all the time whenever I was down there, but because I drank in moderation, they never realized I actually drank at all. It never became part of my identity in their heads. And then one day they'd see me with a drink and suddenly realize they thought I didn't drink and it would completely change how they saw me -- when I had been that way the whole time! So here I am just being myself and my self is good at customer service and my self speaks mostly proper English, and my self has a healthy enough self-esteem to not be ruined by making a mistake but to mostly do things with confidence. And my self does make mistakes (but people didn't notice because I wasn't wrecked by them, or what?) and my self does have moments of lower confidence, and my self is a normal human being that is just as messy and sloppy inside as anyone else. But because I am expected to be so perfect, my internal sloppiness seems to be fighting to make itself known. So I'll do these things that I know I shouldn't do and then because I could get in trouble for them maybe, I can't tell anyone about them, and so everyone goes on thinking I don't do anything wrong and it ends up in this downward spiral that really stinks. Thus, my realization number one is that I really need to learn to balance the expectations people have for me with both my own ambitions and desires for myself, and my own knowledge of my flaws and my strengths .. the reality of who I am.

On a related note, the second realization I have made is about another aspect of the same theme.

One of the phenomena that happens in the Navy because of how much trouble one can get in for something that would barely be flinched at in the civilian world is that a junior Sailor may get in trouble for something that he or she did not actually intend to do. Let's say for example that Bee A. Sailor has just gotten drunk at a party and thrown a couple punches and maybe in the process injured another Sailor. Bee may find herself getting yelled at for this at work. Well, Bee straightens out her spine and says she isn't going to let this ruin her career without trying real hard to fix it, and says she is going to be steller from now on. And Bee tries really hard and irons up her uniform real nice and gets ready for work exceptionally early. And then let's say that Bee gets a flat tire on the way in to work. Then she's in a little extra trouble for that. And then Bee eats something bad at the galley and has an upset stomach the rest of the afternoon. Perhaps when Bee gets home that night, she gets some bad news about her Aunt and is overall feeling like her life is pretty screwed up and not doing so great, and maybe it's not gonna get any better.

The Navy recognizes that a Sailor like Bee might end up feeling trapped in a downward spiral during a "when it rains, it pours" time of life, and thus has many resources in place to help Sailors who may be having a difficult time coping with such situations. One of the resources being that when a Chief or even a First class (especially an LPO -- Leading Petty Officer -- which is basically the Navy equivilant of an Assistant Manager or such) suspects that one of their Shipmates (Junior or not) may be having one of those times, no matter how much other trouble they may be in, the Chief or First Class has been trained in how to interact with them to help them realize that this downward spiral will end and they'll be back up at some point. And that that doesn't mean there won't be any consequences, but that the focus shouldn't be on the consequences or the other negative circumstances that may be out of the Sailor's control that feel overwhelming at the time. The focus should be on getting from point B (for bottom of the spiral) to point A (for ambitions) and going on to continue a productive and pleasing life. The focus should be on not letting one bad decision or several unfortunate circumstances ruin a career, a relationship, or even the actual ability to live of that Sailor. And it should be on the fact that that Sailor still has value and can still be an assett as long as he or she accepts the consequences/circumstances, seeks any necessary help, and straightens out.

Whether or not the Navy knows this, I fully believe that it is from God they get this wise method of handling such situations. And I know that God IS the ideal of that good Chief. What I mean by that is that God interacts with us in our own times of downward spiral even better than the most ideal Chief possibly could.

See, I mentioned above that I've done a couple of things that could get me in trouble maybe, and plenty of the things that I've done that couldn't necessarily get me in trouble were still things against my character or my own best judgement. And I've been going back and forth in my relationship with God of feeling like I may not have messed up too Badly, per say, on whatever scale we silly humans place our mistakes. But I had messed up enough times, I had actually sat there and thought "I should not be doing this" and contniued to do this (aka ignored conviction) enough that I was starting to think I was getting far away from God and must not have a very good relationship with Him afterall.

On Saturday night, I went to a party and I had a little much to drink and I didn't do anything while there, but I was still kicking myself the next morning about it, especially because I had to work. And since I had had too much to drive, I crashed at a friends' house and was getting a ride back to my car in the morning and it took a little longer for my friend to get me back to my car than I needed it to take, so I was late to work in the morning. And I was starting to enter that spiral phase all over again (I went through it pretty hard core in January when I got in trouble and then had my stomach virus and all), 'till I was leaving youth group Sunday night (which I went to help lead after church) and got a message on my phone from my friend Aleks. She's one of my other high school friends, Yugoslavian and quirky and fabulous. Our contact has been a lot less than I'd have liked over the past few years, and I wasn't always sure she really wanted to continue it. But seeing her during my last trip down was really high quality, and then the message on Sunday prooved that regardless of what plans God may have for our friendship, He was still going to speak through her in very powerful ways. Her message was mostly about how "I just wanted to say hi, and to let you know that I love you and God loves you very much. And I was thinking about you and wondering how you were doing and God said "you know, you should give that girl a call! You should tell her that I love her and I love her nomatter what and I will always love her." Aleks went on about that type of thing for a little while. Nomatter how much I KNOW these things, and nomatter how much I usually feel them, there are times when I just need to hear them, from someone I care about. God speaks to me directly in His own ways, of course, but sometimes it helps hearing it from someone like Aleks.

So, friends, remember that God loves you and loves you nomatter what and will always love you.