C'est La Vie
What a beautiful piece of heartache this has all turned out to be. Lord knows we've learned the hard way all about healthy apathy. And I use these words pretty loosely. There's so much more to life than words..
Things I love
Wednesday, September 26, 2001
Tuesday, September 25, 2001
I like this job. :)
So, not treachery for me today. Not in that area, anyway.
"Instead of being anxious, what are we to do?"
"What will we get when we do this?"
(And as if that wasn't funny/bad enough.. another student answered more seriously)
"Yes, we'll get peace."
(and then the same student continued.)
"Because peas are a great side dish to turkey."
Friday, September 21, 2001
I think I'm gonna get a cell phone.
Traitor as I'd be, it's just more practical for someone in such a situation as mine.
I dunno, though. They're still not as cheap as ground lines when LD is only 5 cents a minute. One of the best plans offered works out to something more like 12 cents a minute over all. Hmmm..
Wednesday, September 19, 2001
Tuesday, September 18, 2001
Or that I had a real address for me, personally, to send stuff to.
If the latter was true AND the former was thus more relevant and true, I wouldn't have to have people send stuff to my church. I feel bad for my church, as if they didn't have enough mail to deal with already. But that's ok, because they're loving people and they're very much ok with it.
I suppose that's my punishment for yelling about Spam.
All the same.. STOP SENDING SPAM!!
Monday, September 17, 2001
I recieved one Spam-type letter disguised as a certain email newsletter I subscribed to by choice that had the gall to state, in bold noless, that those that are against mass emailings of the unsolicited variety are against free commerce, free speech, etc, etc, etc.. (Yes, I know multiple etcs are redundant. So is Spam.)
If your product is good enough, it will either appear on my store's shelves or I will hear about it via word-of-mouth. If your web site is something I want to see, I will find it on my own. Don't insult my intelligence or my skills by sending Spam about it. That is rediculous.
Friends, on the other hand, are more than welcome to tell me about their websites. Indeed, strangers that have been given my email address by a mutual friend or come across my blog or my site are certainly welcome to email me their own URL's.. in fact, one of the earliest blogs I ever read was sent to me that way and I enjoyed it greatly.
But Spam, which is unsolicited mass-emails, is very rude and inappropriate. It has NO place in the internet world, just as the Spam product is more a joke for Monty Python fans than a food for people that can afford better these days. (Before you flame me for that one -- I have eaten Spam out of necessity many times in the past, and my grandmother was very grateful for it when she could get some during the Great Depression. But it is not a food that many, if any, people eat by choice.)
Stop sending Spam!!
Friday, September 14, 2001
I may or may not have a place to live now, at least for a little while. I've got a couple of options. They generally hinge on finances, of course, which are questionable. I did get a work-study job, so that will certainly help. But I still have to wait for my checks, which will not be coming immediately.
But it looks like I may well have a place. Maybe. Please continue praying for that, because it's been a rather long and unsettling process for me. Last time I was homeless, it was more intentional because I had to wait 'till I was 18 to move in with anyone lest they be charged with harboring a runaway or kidnapping. Now, there are no concerns of that sort keeping me from my various options. There are just a group of very important jr. highers, and a set of college classes keeping me within this town.
I don't mind that part of it. In fact, I rather like it here now, as I have since shortly after moving here. Not a place for me forever, but a pretty decent place for now. However, I do need a place to live within this area, and crashing on sofa's and living out of my suitcase just isn't doing it this time around. Last time I made it for three months. This time it's been a month and a half and it's been a much worse struggle already.
For those that have been praying for my twin brother: Thank you a million times over. He's still not fully healed (that will only come when he realizes that he has a problem and decides to act to fix it) but there is more hope, and he certainly does not have the same access to the same things that got him into trouble. Please continue praying for him, and for me to be able to deal with his situation, because my concern for him has not made it easy to focus on my school work or other things.
Meanwhile, the jr. high group has finished its summertime transition, last year's 8th graders have moved up into the high school group, and our new 6th graders are in. They're a very wild bunch, with more girls than I was expecting and much more hyper folks than I realized were coming our way! They're a delight, though. I'll miss the now-freshman incredibly, but I'm glad that I have such a great bunch moving in.
And, finally, school. I got my first English essay back with a C on it. :( .. Not that I don't think a C is a decent grade, but just that I had never gotten lower than a B+ on English essays in high school, 'cept my sophomore year when I was going to one of the best public schools in the nation and attempting to build on a foundation that was not laid my freshman year at another school. This was a shock to me, honestly. Humbling. Making me realize how much harder I'm gonna have to work than I had realized. Already I've been swamped by the reading assignments, and this is considering that my course load would be laughable to most full-time students! I took it easy this year and am still struggling to keep up. People told me that if I took time off between finishing high school and starting college, I may never want to go back. It all came from the idea that I wouldn't even want to start.. the reality is that I wanted very much to start and that was no problem. It's keeping with it that's the problem.
But then again, I had 4 high schools and dropped out (to get my GED) my senior year. Keeping with it in school hasn't been all that much of a tradition for me, has it?
Need to go make phone calls and be productive now.
(0) comments http://www.grassrootsmusic.com/caedmon/caedmon10.htm
One of the songs on this CD is called Warrior, which is about our God's might. "The Lord is a Warrior. He is Mighty in battle." This song is mostly taken from Biblical passages, but putting words to music always makes them stick more in my mind.
(This is, by the way, exactly why Rich Mullins said he wrote music rather than writing sermons.)
This song was particularly comforting and relevant today.
"So I cry Holy only begotten Son of God.. Ancient of Days.. I cry Holy only begotten Son of God.. I sing of Your Praises, as the One Who has saved me, and the promises He made before there was time."
-- Caedmon's Call, Before There Was Time, from the In the Company of Angels worship CD.
Wednesday, September 12, 2001
(I am really fighting my often morbid sense of humor here. It's so tempting to adjust the jokes or my statements to reflect my thoughts, or to cope with the tragedies of yesterday. However, I will spare both of us that adjustment and get on with the jokes.)
Why did the squirrel fall outta the tree?
Beause it was dead.
Why did the second squirrel fall outta the tree?
Trying to catch the first squirrel.
Why did the third squirrel fall outta the tree?
What does a general do with his armies?
He puts them in his sleevies.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
What's brown and sticky?
Why don't sea-gulls fly over the bay?
Because if they did, they'd be begals.
What does an eskimo get if he sits on an ice cube for too long?
Polaroids. (ok, ok.. that's the worst one that I still enjoy........)
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Don't worry, forks.. there's a lot more where that came from.
Monday, September 10, 2001
Anyone got a van for sale?
There's a river not far from here.
Friday, September 07, 2001
My college was having a "student appriciation picnic" today, with free hamburger and hotdogs and (the best part) free ice cream. Free food is always a good way to show appriciation.
There was music and a game show, too, but I had class right in the middle of this shindig and an appointment with my guidance counselor towards the end.
It was a BEAUTIFUL day.
The sky was blue and cloudless, yet it wasn't too hot, nor nearly so humid as it has been lately. (Even a former Floridian like myself was getting grossed out by how humid it's been.)
In the shade provided by trees (what a wonderful creation, eh?) it was cool and breezy. A more beautiful day couldn't have been had unless it was about 5 degrees cooler.
Yesterday, since I don't have classes on thursday, I sat inside and read Prince Caspian (by C. S. Lewis, part of the Chronicles of Narnia) all day long, and got some productive stuff done as well, none of which had to do with school or with the frustrations I'm having in my personal life, which was really excellent.
All in all, I've got a peaceful, easy feeling. 'Cause I know God won't let me down. After all, I'm already standing on solid ground.
Wednesday, September 05, 2001
Once upon a time, there were two children.
They were twins.
One was a boy.
The other was a girl.
They grew into very different children, and from there into very different adults.
I have to be out of where I'm staying by the end of the week.
The other girl I was gonna stay with for a while went and got married. . now why would she do a silley thing like that?
So, with no car and with no money for the bus line (which isn't all that great in my fair city anyway) and with no real idea of where I'm gonna be living within the next couple of weeks, the pressure is really on to find a place within walking distance to my school, and/or somewhere cheap enough that I can get a car as well.
Anyone out there got a car they wanna give me?? :)
Ok, so I haven't turned it in, but it's ready to be turned in. By the time many of you read this, it'll already be in.
Or so goes the theory.
Hippie: (after hearing Max wants to avoid the draft)You still have options man.
"So how do i do normal
"It's been known for a train to jump its track. It's ok, so you'll know, most times they come back. It's ok to lose your life, when you finally see your birth. It's ok to say, "I love you," and figure sometimes it's gonna hurt.
"As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes, all exciting at first, but then by the end you're sick of 'em!"
"Hey, this is weird! I ordered one frozen yogurt and they gave me two. You don't happen to like frozen yogurt, do you?" "I love it!" "You're kidding! What a crazy random happenstance!"
"Only one more trip," said a gallant seaman,
"It was Flannery O'Connor who said that 'grace must wound before it heals.' Her words help me to separate what is most true about life from the things we want to be true. We want life to be painless. True grace is a hard sell because in order for the human heart to understand forgiveness and love, it must first experience darkness and isolation. A life lived under the rule of grace is a life of need which allows us to receive an appreciate the gift of the giver of grace. This is why we will always have the poor with us; this is why God will not allow us to ignore injustice; this is why we are called to a life we cannot handle alone, which can and will break us in the effort to live it -- because grace must wound before it heals."
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
I thought Christmas Day would never come. But it's here at last, so Mom and Dad, the waiting's finally done. And you gotta get up, you gotta get up, you gotta get up, it's Christmas morning.
O little town of Bethlehem,
Walk humbly, son
Strings of lights above the bed
"In a little while I'll feel better
"Please tell me once again that You love me. That You love me. Please tell me once again that I matter to You and You really care. Please tell me once again that You're with me, forever. It's not that I could ever doubt you, I just love the way it sounds. I just love the way it sounds."
"Every once in a while, a bannerzen posts."
"7:30. What kind of people have to be at work at 7:30?"
have you seen my love
Traveling is significant because it takes so much effort. Either you're going to some place you love, or you're leaving some place you love. Usually it's both.
I think I have Bond's ability to get into trouble but not his ability to get out of it. Someday I'll be in some foreign country with 5 thugs with automatic rifles pointed at me, and I'll just.... fart
"You had no alternative .. We must work in the world. The world is thus." --- "No .. Thus have we made the world."
The summer ends and we wonder where we are And there you go, my friends, with your boxes in your car And you both look so young And last night was hard, you said You packed up every room And then you cried and went to bed But today you closed the door and said "We have to get a move on. It's just that time of year when we push ourselves ahead, We push ourselves ahead."
Looking out the bedroom at this snowy TV.. ever since commencement, no one's asking 'bout me. But I bet before the night falls, I could catch the late bus.. take small provisions and this Beethoven bust. I could find work in the outskirts of the city, eat some fish on the way.. befriend an old dog for a roadside pal, find a nice couch to stay -- a pull-out sofa, if you please!"
Ooh! Get me away from here I'm dying
"The trouble with folks like Brownie is they hold their life in like a bakebean fart at a Baptist cookout and only let it slip out sideways a little at a time when they think there's nobody noticing. Now that's the last thing on earth the Almighty intended. He intended all the life a man's got inside him, he should live it out just as free and strong and natural as a bird."
"Life is a phantasmagoria .. It is a pell-mell of confused and tumultuous scenes. We try in vain to find a purpose - to bring an order, a unity to life. I suppose that is the appeal of art. Art is the blending of the real and the unreal, the conquering of nature. It is real enough for it to reflect life, but has the unity that life lacks."
"in time memories fade.
I've always had this feeling about Patty that she's complex and intriguing...I like Patty alot. She's got a good heart and tells terrible squirrel jokes.
"Try to remember that world-weariness isn't necessarily a bad thing. In the book of Mark, I think its Mark, Jesus looks at a blind man and sighs. Jesus sighed before even telling the man he would be healed. He sighed, and I'm not sure that there's a much more human expression of frustration than this. Faced with the horrid picture of a cursed earth and looking into the white eyes of a man blind from the day he was born, He sighed. The Creator of the universe in human form was sad "of the evils of this world," the world He created. Your Creator sighed for you in the same way before He healed you and made you His."
After the last secret's told
After the last bullet tears through flesh and bone
After the last child starves
And the last girl walks the boulevard
After the last year that's just too hard
There is love
-- Andrew Peterson, After the Last Tear Falls
"when you most need people, you don't need perfection - just to know someone gives a damn"
"My brother's always [telling me], 'You should be more mysterious--boys like that.' But I'm not good at that. It would just make me more uncomfortable."
"Loners want to kill you, but not for any particular reason, and they'd probably like you if they weren't being guided by the violent voices in their head."
"No one wants to oil a snake these days!"
Her mom: "We're all safe."
-- Jamie Bevill and her mother during Christmas-Decorating dinner, December 20, 2002
i'd throw out all my shoes
i'd set up cans for friends
to dump their shoes senseless shoes
a pioneer of callouses
lordy-be and bless my soul
i'd be a barefoot spaceman
the first you'd ever know"
"The best way to have God's will for your life is to have no will of your own!"
"Generations circle and each one atones. The sins of the father are seperate from my own. In Pilgrim's Progress, it's forgiveness that makes whole, and as time levels and consoles, I place the daisies in your bowl."
"For a moment he just stared at her. Then, with an urf-urf-urf of laughter, he turned back to the controls."
"It's on the internet.. so, then, it must be true."
"Be at least as interested in what people can become as you are in what they have been."
Blessed be the rock stars!"
Get up for the shower.. wash and scrub and scour every part as if a cleaner man could better bear the shame..
"She was eating gnarly amounts of calcium."
Homeless man to girl trying to give him money: "No, thanks, ma'am. I never work on Sundays."
"Wow! I never thought I'd need a radar-guided spatula!"
"Isn't it great that I articulate? Isn't it grand that you can understand? ... I can talk, I can talk, I can talk!"
I believe that people laugh at coincidence as a way of relegating it to the realm of the absurd and of therefore not having to take seriously the possibility that there is a lot more going on in our lives than we either know or care to know... I suspect that part of it, anyway, is that every once and so often we hear a whisper from the wings that goes something like this: "You've turned up in the right place at the right time. You're doing fine. Don't ever think that you've been forgotten.
When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of "No answer." It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, "Peace, child; you don't understand."
CCM: You've spoken a lot more about crying than I ever thought you would.
"Youth is not a period of time. It is a state of mind, a result of the will, a quality of the imagination, a victory of courage over timidity, of the taste for adventure over the love of comfort. A man doesn't grow old because he has lived a certain number of years. A man grows old when he deserts his ideal. The years may wrinkle his skin, but deserting his ideal wrinkles his soul. Preoccuptaions, fears, doubts, and despair are the enemies which slowly bow us toward earth and turn us into dust before death. You will remain young as long as you are open to what is beautiful, good, and great; receptive to the messages of other men and women, of nature and of God. If one day you should become bitter, pessimistic, and gnawed by despair, may God have mercy on your old man's soul."
""Don't go matchmaking for me, Ilse," said Emily wit a faint smile... "I feel in my bones that I shall achieve old-maidenhood, which is an entirely different thing from having old-maidenhood thrust upon you."
"I wish Aunt Elizabeth would let me go to Shrewsbury, but I fear she never will. She feels she can't trust me out of her sight because my mother eloped. But she need not be afraid I will ever elope. I have made up my mind that I will never marry. I shall be wedded to my art"
"Tomorrow seems like a long ways away. But it will come, just like any other day... Deep inside, where the wounded creatures hide, I am afraid. Maybe I got lost somewhere along the way somehow. Please rescue me... Yea, though I walk through the valley of the dark shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For you are with me... Though I fear, though I am afraid, You are with me. Though I'm angry, tired, broken down and confused, You are with me. Though I sin like I've never sinned before, lose myself right out an open door, You are with me."
"The invisible people agreed about everything. Indeed most of their remarks were the sort it would not be easy to disagree with: "What I always say is, when a chap's hungry, he likes some victuals," or "Getting dark now; always does at night," or even "Ah, you've come over the water. Powerful wet stuff, ain't it?"" -- C. S. Lewis, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
"When People object... that if Jesus was God as well as Man, then He had an unfair advantage which deprives Him for them of all value, it seems to me as if a man struggling in the water should refuse a rope thrown to him by another who had one foot on the bank, saying, "Oh but you had an unfair advantage." It is because of His advantage that He can help."
"But, you know, as a Christian, one of the big questions you always ask yourself is, "So we believe in Jesus, we believe in the teachings of the church, but what does that look like when it's lived out?" Because surely, one of the things that Jesus said that I think we often overlook is, "The person who hears my words and does them is like the wise man who built his house on the rock." He didn't say "the person who hears my words and thinks about 'em" or "whoever hears my words and agrees with it." But he said, "Whoever hears it and does it."
"find that which gives you breath and grants you more to give
"I have packed all my belongings. I don't belong here anymore. This pair of sandles, one pack to carry, this old guitar and this tattered old Bible. And I know I won't be afraid. 'cause I know, I know Home is where You are."
"Open up your weepy eyes, everyone is dancing. Angels peer through sweet disguise, through a fire of cleansing.
"You may be bruised and torn and broken, but
"I don't deserve to speak, and they don't deserve
to hear it. It's makin' me believe that it's not
"Kickin' against these goads sure did cut up my
feet. Didn't your hands get bloody as you washed
"They say God blessed us with plenty. I say
you?re blessed with poverty. ?Cause you never
stop to wonder whether earth is just a little
better than the Land of the Free"
"Computers will know everything in the 21st
century. They'll be like me in the 20th