As I drove down to South Eastern FL on my visit after Christmas, I decided to stop in on a good friend and his mother before the rest of the trek to my brother's house. Jon wasn't home, I was told by the gardener, because he and his mother had gone to the doctor's. So I left my car there and walked two streets up to Elise's, where I planned to visit with a mutual friend and her family. When Elise and her mother got home, we had a long catching-up conversation during which she told me that Jon's mom had been diagnosed with cancer at some point during the fall.

Of course, this took me very much by surprise, as I hadn't heard anything about his mother so much as having a cold. Jan, Jon's mother, was an incredible woman, and I was really upset to hear that she had been fighting such a viscious disease. When I stopped by to see Jon a few nights later, he told me a little about the many cards they had recieved and about how he's figured out how to make a high-calorie shake for her to drink. I didn't see her that night -- she was very tired and not really ready for visitors at the moment, but even just being in the same house felt good.

A few nights after that, I was at Aleksandra's house and was going to be going to my mother's to finish our game of monopoly, then back to Aleks' to stay the night there. Aleks had been invited to spend some time with Jon that night if she could find a free hour, so I just told her I'd drop her off and pick her up since Jon's was right on the way. When we went to the door, Jan was sitting in the family room and heard Aleks' voice. So she called to Aleks to come in and say hi, and I followed. Seeing Jan sitting in the chair with her legs propped up and her scarf off for the night, I realized I hadn't really been prepared for this. I've seen pictures of people (some friends-of-friends and some I had no known connection to) with cancer, but never had I seen someone I loved during the time they were undergoing the chemotherapy and radiation treatments. I attempted to shield my reactions, since I'm sure she's seen enough of them already, and to keep conversation normal rather than saying everything with the grim voice humans naturally turn to in times like these.
But there she was. As she spoke, my mind attempted to remember the woman associated with this voice, but my eyes saw a living shadow in her place. I'm sure I blinked more than usual, because the disorientation of hearing something so strong in my memory and seeing something completely different was a new experience, something I had never really thought much about. I guess in my naive mind, I figured that as people's bodies changed due to cancer and its treatment, so would their voices. It just isn't that way, though.

So as I drove from there to my mother's, I cried a good deal. And I thought about everything she had been to me over the past 6 years.

She was the first one that I talked to from the church I later called my home. She was organizing a divorce healing weekend for adults and, as part of that, the accompanying sessions and fun time for children. My mother had somehow heard about this weekend and had called for information, and I just happened to get to her office while she was on the phone with Jan. Knowing that my brothers and I didn't think we needed to attend any sessions to learn about divorce, she insisted that I talk to Jan so that Jan could convince me that I would enjoy it whether or not I needed the information. When we got to the church that weekend, she was the first person I was introduced to, and she then introduced me to Jon, who happened to be in my grade and also happened to have a number of his friends there that weekend. Thus, I was suddenly accepted into this group of really great people who became very close friends over the next year. Throughout that year, my mother attended a divorce care group at Jan's house every couple of weekends, and I went with her and spent time with Jon, Aaron, Regina, and other children whose parents were in this group or who just came for the time to hang out. We'd take walks to the beach (a block away), play games on the computer, swim in the backyard pool, and watch Jon hone his acting skills.

I moved to CA just after the first year of knowing Jon and Jan and all these other folks, and didn't have a great deal of contact with much of any Floridian friends while I was there. When I moved back, though, it was as if I'd never left. There were new people to get to know and some of the old friends weren't around anymore, but for the most part, I was back into the same group of friends. That summer, Jon, Aaron, Aleks, Elise, and myself spent a lot of time together. there were times when Alek's high school friends, Aaron's musician friends, or our mutual church friends would also be involved, throwing or attending parties and such, but the five of us could be found together at almost every event. Many times we'd just spend time together at Jan's house, watching movies or talking for hours over whatever delicious meals she had made.

She was the one I talked to for hours when I found out my mother had decided to explore her sexuality. She listened to my story about how things had gone in CA and about why I was going to drop out of school. She helped me work through my decisions about moving up here, she loved me, she cared about me, she was a great impact on my life. She allowed me to stay on her couch when I visited for my brother's wedding almost two years ago as well as when I went just to visit about 6 months before that.

These are some of the things I thought about that night.

She had already gone to bed when I got back to pick Aleks up, but I had figured she would and had said goodnight before leaving earlier.

This past Saturday, I went to Wake Forest University to see an Andrew Peterson and Derek Webb concert with a group of friends as well as have sort-of an extended birthday celebration during the meal before the concert. Jon had been going to Wake Forest for two and a half years before staying home this semester to be with his mother, so I asked some students I met there if they knew him. Yes, in fact, they had been very good friends.

"His mother actually passed away last night," one informed me.

On the very evening I was celebrating my birth, laughing, enjoying life so much .. one of the greatest examples of compassion and love I've ever met passed from this world.

I really am glad that she's not suffering, but I also mourn for those of us left without her for the time being. We will, many of us, be worshipping God with her again someday. For as long as this mortal world continues and we continue to live on it, though, there will never be anyone to fill the gap she has left. There will never be another woman quite like her.

More than that, though, I grieve for Jon. To have been with her, to watch her suffer, to have to go through one of the many experiences we were never meant to go through .. I cannot imagine the pain he's experienced over the last couple of months. Perhaps it's a good thing for him that it didn't last as long as it could have. The fact that it happened at all, and that he will now no longer have her there to visit and to nurture him and everything else .. Jon, I am so sorry for you. Like everyone else in your life, I'm sure, I really wish there was something I could do.