Every night has its 3am. (That, by the way, is inspired by or basically pulled from the Emily Series by L. M. Montgomery.)

For the unlucky wakeful-and-not-distracted, 3am tends to be a very reflective hour. For me, 3am generally involves wondering why anyone would want to be friends with me, and then wondering if I really do have friends after all. At more rational hours, I can clearly see the friendships that have kept me going the past several years. At 3am, though, the darkness hides my true friends and the eerie pre-dawn glow reveals those people with whom I don't know where I stand. 3am tends to be insightful, and I've realized a few things in the recent darkest hours.

First, I am far too neglectful of my true friendships. Just the way that more accident occur near the residence of the person at fault because people stop doing what they need to do to be safe, so too do I let my efforts lessen once I've become comfortable with a friend, and thus let the friendship weaken because I no longer put as much effort into it.

Meanwhile, when I'm not secure in a friendship, I tend to read into everything the other person does, with the subconcious theory that I can catch that person's intention to hurt me before I'm abandoned, gossiped about, or taken for granted. I all but panic about the concern that I may lose a friend I never really had, instead of letting my true friends be true friends to me and allowing others the freedom to come in and out of my life without breaking my heart.

I've realized that there are those people I consider friends even though I only have any contact with them when I see them, which isn't very often. And I've realized that there are others I should feel the same way about and yet I expect more from them for any number of reasons.

So, having been struggling for the past year with who my real friends are and with defining the other levels of friendship, I've finally decided that it's not the people in my life confusing me. Indeed, it's ME that's forcing myself into this rediculous prison-cycle of doubt, feigned security, panic, and hurt. (Isn't that always the way it is? Obvious conclusion, especially considering how long it took me to come to it.)

I'm now attempting to end this cycle. I want to no longer read into what people say or do. Those that make the effort to keep in touch with me or spend time with me will continue to be among my closest friends. Those that don't will be pleasant visitors-to-my-life when I see them, but no longer unwitting tormentors when they're not around. Instead of allowing my ENFP-novelty-seeking side to reign victorious over my friendship security, I will put my energy back into treating my real friends like the true friends they've always been.

Since I'm more aware of God's love than ever, my finances are moderately secure now, I've got a car, and I intend to continue doing well in school, this step in de-stressing my over-worked heart should be nearly the final step in really knowing exactly who I am, being sure of what really matters, and being content while passing through this world.

I will always long for my home with Jesus, but life on earth doesn't have to be as frustrating as I've made it.