C'est La Vie
What a beautiful piece of heartache this has all turned out to be. Lord knows we've learned the hard way all about healthy apathy. And I use these words pretty loosely. There's so much more to life than words..
Things I love
Monday, November 19, 2007
Today, we were signing a birthday card for a Chief in my department, and do you know what it was? Hillary Clinton on the cover sitting at a desk with a sign that said "President Hillary Clinton" and inside it said "See? Some things are scarier than turning another year older!"
Also, after my blue skies post, I was talking to my mother who was with her Lebanese co-worker, who started crying (with pride and/or memories) when she found out I'm stationed in the Middle East and I like it here and I'm openminded about the cultures ... I know things have been hard for Middle Easterners and Muslims living in many parts of the States or elsewhere in the world for a long time, and moreso after 9-11, so I can understand what she meant. At any rate, she asked me what I liked best about here, and I said the diversity, and I think the blue skies as well. The next day, I went outside to weather I couldn't quite determine, either a sandstorm or a really lot of fog... I think it was the latter. Later on that day it was blue skies but with massive, pretty complete cloud cover, but still not rain clouds. They cleared up by that night. All day long it smelled like wet soil, which is weird since there's not really any soil here.
So if I talk about good things, they change, and if I talk about not-so-good things, they come back up in another part of my life... maybe I should just blog even more until that flip-flops?
Meanwhile, the blogs of note today featured "The Life of a Female Marine" and it is a GREAT read. She writes like I would if I were as funny as I think I am. In fact, like I would if I were the writer I thought I could be. I don't know anything about who this is, but I imagine it would be a great read even if I weren't in myself, though I may be a little distorted perspectively. If you'd like much better writing about female life in the military (and really, it's similar to reading what I'm experiencing, so even if you want a better read about what my life is like right now), check that one out.
A problem that I have been told on more than one occasion that I have is a lack of needing help from others. Think of the scene in 28 Days where she has to wear the sign around her neck that says "Confront me if I don't ask for help" or something, and then she wants to do the whole harness thing on her own and ends up messing it up. So that's me, apparently. Because I am analytical, independent, confident, and not always feeling that asking for help will be (a) obliged, (b) obliged happily, or (c) good help .... because of these things, I am seen as one who feels like she can take on the whole world all by herself.
In reality, I want help an awful lot more than I ask for it, and I ask for it an awful lot more than people realize.
I am also smart, and it's hard for me to not come across like a know-it-all. I like knowing other smart folks (usually in the form of geeks) who can relate to the fact that knowing a lot is neither the same as knowing it all nor thinking you know it all.. most people who know a lot actually love to learn and really come alive when taking in new information rather than spitting out old facts. I like to help people, so I like to share knowledge, especially when it could answer a question they may have or help them do their job better, because somewhere inside I believe that people really do want to do a good job, even though I have seen so much evidence to the contrary by a large percentage of the general population and really should have come to a conclusion otherwise by now. However, I cannot lessen my hope in modern man's work ethic, so I just keep on trying to learn how to test the waters of someone maybe wanting help before I offer all the knowledge I can share. (That really long sentence was for you guys, zens, for the good old days.)
I am having a great time on my command's holiday season planning committee, because lots of the folks are very busy and don't have time to, say, type up notes from the meetings or make flyers and such... but I do. And I love to do it. And my notes are wordy for sure, but they cover everything. And I feel like I'm really involved. So I've got a couple of things lined up to get involved with after the holiday season so that I don't have withdrawl at that point.
But I'm running into the helping-too-much thing in my chemistry class, even. Part of our grade is based on discussion board posts in various areas of the board, and there are certain other things we were supposed to work our in different parts of the boards before posting to the one are or whatever... so I read my syllabus and I read the orientation and I read the Prof's announcements, so I did what they said... and also I answered some of my classmate's questions because that's what I do, that's who I am.. and then my Prof had a personal emergency of some sort and was gone for a hot minute, so I figured that would be especially helpful to him and them. And all discussion board posting died. No one else posted anymore.
I tried posting lighthearted things, especially things that showed them I wasn't like an assistant professor or a suck-up or something.
People like me are fated to always be declared brown-nosers and "JoeCool" jrs (where JoeCool means whatever the manager or CEO or teacher or person-in-charge's name may be) when we're just trying to help. And the really sad thing is how many people perceive it to be a superiority thing when most people like me (and including myself) do not see ourselves as better, but just want to help everyone become the best they can be.. because if I help you, you can help me...
But you know, maybe going through this in this class more right now than I am at work (since I am the SUPER junior person at work, I keep my mouth shut a heck of a lot more than I ever have before, but even so people are less threatened by me when I am in my Knowing mode) because it helps balance it out... when I was going through that a lot at work but not in my pre-cal class, it was really easy for me to put that attitude primarily on military people instead of balancing it to all people where it belongs.
Maybe I just need to have a personal journal more. But this is one of those issues I know some of you guys either can relate to or have seen in me and so I wanted to put it here... One day, I will have a nice, concise, interesting little blog.
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Hippie: (after hearing Max wants to avoid the draft)You still have options man.
"So how do i do normal
"It's been known for a train to jump its track. It's ok, so you'll know, most times they come back. It's ok to lose your life, when you finally see your birth. It's ok to say, "I love you," and figure sometimes it's gonna hurt.
"As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes, all exciting at first, but then by the end you're sick of 'em!"
"Hey, this is weird! I ordered one frozen yogurt and they gave me two. You don't happen to like frozen yogurt, do you?" "I love it!" "You're kidding! What a crazy random happenstance!"
"Only one more trip," said a gallant seaman,
"It was Flannery O'Connor who said that 'grace must wound before it heals.' Her words help me to separate what is most true about life from the things we want to be true. We want life to be painless. True grace is a hard sell because in order for the human heart to understand forgiveness and love, it must first experience darkness and isolation. A life lived under the rule of grace is a life of need which allows us to receive an appreciate the gift of the giver of grace. This is why we will always have the poor with us; this is why God will not allow us to ignore injustice; this is why we are called to a life we cannot handle alone, which can and will break us in the effort to live it -- because grace must wound before it heals."
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
I thought Christmas Day would never come. But it's here at last, so Mom and Dad, the waiting's finally done. And you gotta get up, you gotta get up, you gotta get up, it's Christmas morning.
O little town of Bethlehem,
Walk humbly, son
Strings of lights above the bed
"In a little while I'll feel better
"Please tell me once again that You love me. That You love me. Please tell me once again that I matter to You and You really care. Please tell me once again that You're with me, forever. It's not that I could ever doubt you, I just love the way it sounds. I just love the way it sounds."
"Every once in a while, a bannerzen posts."
"7:30. What kind of people have to be at work at 7:30?"
have you seen my love
Traveling is significant because it takes so much effort. Either you're going to some place you love, or you're leaving some place you love. Usually it's both.
I think I have Bond's ability to get into trouble but not his ability to get out of it. Someday I'll be in some foreign country with 5 thugs with automatic rifles pointed at me, and I'll just.... fart
"You had no alternative .. We must work in the world. The world is thus." --- "No .. Thus have we made the world."
The summer ends and we wonder where we are And there you go, my friends, with your boxes in your car And you both look so young And last night was hard, you said You packed up every room And then you cried and went to bed But today you closed the door and said "We have to get a move on. It's just that time of year when we push ourselves ahead, We push ourselves ahead."
Looking out the bedroom at this snowy TV.. ever since commencement, no one's asking 'bout me. But I bet before the night falls, I could catch the late bus.. take small provisions and this Beethoven bust. I could find work in the outskirts of the city, eat some fish on the way.. befriend an old dog for a roadside pal, find a nice couch to stay -- a pull-out sofa, if you please!"
Ooh! Get me away from here I'm dying
"The trouble with folks like Brownie is they hold their life in like a bakebean fart at a Baptist cookout and only let it slip out sideways a little at a time when they think there's nobody noticing. Now that's the last thing on earth the Almighty intended. He intended all the life a man's got inside him, he should live it out just as free and strong and natural as a bird."
"Life is a phantasmagoria .. It is a pell-mell of confused and tumultuous scenes. We try in vain to find a purpose - to bring an order, a unity to life. I suppose that is the appeal of art. Art is the blending of the real and the unreal, the conquering of nature. It is real enough for it to reflect life, but has the unity that life lacks."
"in time memories fade.
I've always had this feeling about Patty that she's complex and intriguing...I like Patty alot. She's got a good heart and tells terrible squirrel jokes.
"Try to remember that world-weariness isn't necessarily a bad thing. In the book of Mark, I think its Mark, Jesus looks at a blind man and sighs. Jesus sighed before even telling the man he would be healed. He sighed, and I'm not sure that there's a much more human expression of frustration than this. Faced with the horrid picture of a cursed earth and looking into the white eyes of a man blind from the day he was born, He sighed. The Creator of the universe in human form was sad "of the evils of this world," the world He created. Your Creator sighed for you in the same way before He healed you and made you His."
After the last secret's told
After the last bullet tears through flesh and bone
After the last child starves
And the last girl walks the boulevard
After the last year that's just too hard
There is love
-- Andrew Peterson, After the Last Tear Falls
"when you most need people, you don't need perfection - just to know someone gives a damn"
"My brother's always [telling me], 'You should be more mysterious--boys like that.' But I'm not good at that. It would just make me more uncomfortable."
"Loners want to kill you, but not for any particular reason, and they'd probably like you if they weren't being guided by the violent voices in their head."
"No one wants to oil a snake these days!"
Her mom: "We're all safe."
-- Jamie Bevill and her mother during Christmas-Decorating dinner, December 20, 2002
i'd throw out all my shoes
i'd set up cans for friends
to dump their shoes senseless shoes
a pioneer of callouses
lordy-be and bless my soul
i'd be a barefoot spaceman
the first you'd ever know"
"The best way to have God's will for your life is to have no will of your own!"
"Generations circle and each one atones. The sins of the father are seperate from my own. In Pilgrim's Progress, it's forgiveness that makes whole, and as time levels and consoles, I place the daisies in your bowl."
"For a moment he just stared at her. Then, with an urf-urf-urf of laughter, he turned back to the controls."
"It's on the internet.. so, then, it must be true."
"Be at least as interested in what people can become as you are in what they have been."
Blessed be the rock stars!"
Get up for the shower.. wash and scrub and scour every part as if a cleaner man could better bear the shame..
"She was eating gnarly amounts of calcium."
Homeless man to girl trying to give him money: "No, thanks, ma'am. I never work on Sundays."
"Wow! I never thought I'd need a radar-guided spatula!"
"Isn't it great that I articulate? Isn't it grand that you can understand? ... I can talk, I can talk, I can talk!"
I believe that people laugh at coincidence as a way of relegating it to the realm of the absurd and of therefore not having to take seriously the possibility that there is a lot more going on in our lives than we either know or care to know... I suspect that part of it, anyway, is that every once and so often we hear a whisper from the wings that goes something like this: "You've turned up in the right place at the right time. You're doing fine. Don't ever think that you've been forgotten.
When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of "No answer." It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, "Peace, child; you don't understand."
CCM: You've spoken a lot more about crying than I ever thought you would.
"Youth is not a period of time. It is a state of mind, a result of the will, a quality of the imagination, a victory of courage over timidity, of the taste for adventure over the love of comfort. A man doesn't grow old because he has lived a certain number of years. A man grows old when he deserts his ideal. The years may wrinkle his skin, but deserting his ideal wrinkles his soul. Preoccuptaions, fears, doubts, and despair are the enemies which slowly bow us toward earth and turn us into dust before death. You will remain young as long as you are open to what is beautiful, good, and great; receptive to the messages of other men and women, of nature and of God. If one day you should become bitter, pessimistic, and gnawed by despair, may God have mercy on your old man's soul."
""Don't go matchmaking for me, Ilse," said Emily wit a faint smile... "I feel in my bones that I shall achieve old-maidenhood, which is an entirely different thing from having old-maidenhood thrust upon you."
"I wish Aunt Elizabeth would let me go to Shrewsbury, but I fear she never will. She feels she can't trust me out of her sight because my mother eloped. But she need not be afraid I will ever elope. I have made up my mind that I will never marry. I shall be wedded to my art"
"Tomorrow seems like a long ways away. But it will come, just like any other day... Deep inside, where the wounded creatures hide, I am afraid. Maybe I got lost somewhere along the way somehow. Please rescue me... Yea, though I walk through the valley of the dark shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For you are with me... Though I fear, though I am afraid, You are with me. Though I'm angry, tired, broken down and confused, You are with me. Though I sin like I've never sinned before, lose myself right out an open door, You are with me."
"The invisible people agreed about everything. Indeed most of their remarks were the sort it would not be easy to disagree with: "What I always say is, when a chap's hungry, he likes some victuals," or "Getting dark now; always does at night," or even "Ah, you've come over the water. Powerful wet stuff, ain't it?"" -- C. S. Lewis, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
"When People object... that if Jesus was God as well as Man, then He had an unfair advantage which deprives Him for them of all value, it seems to me as if a man struggling in the water should refuse a rope thrown to him by another who had one foot on the bank, saying, "Oh but you had an unfair advantage." It is because of His advantage that He can help."
"But, you know, as a Christian, one of the big questions you always ask yourself is, "So we believe in Jesus, we believe in the teachings of the church, but what does that look like when it's lived out?" Because surely, one of the things that Jesus said that I think we often overlook is, "The person who hears my words and does them is like the wise man who built his house on the rock." He didn't say "the person who hears my words and thinks about 'em" or "whoever hears my words and agrees with it." But he said, "Whoever hears it and does it."
"find that which gives you breath and grants you more to give
"I have packed all my belongings. I don't belong here anymore. This pair of sandles, one pack to carry, this old guitar and this tattered old Bible. And I know I won't be afraid. 'cause I know, I know Home is where You are."
"Open up your weepy eyes, everyone is dancing. Angels peer through sweet disguise, through a fire of cleansing.
"You may be bruised and torn and broken, but
"I don't deserve to speak, and they don't deserve
to hear it. It's makin' me believe that it's not
"Kickin' against these goads sure did cut up my
feet. Didn't your hands get bloody as you washed
"They say God blessed us with plenty. I say
you?re blessed with poverty. ?Cause you never
stop to wonder whether earth is just a little
better than the Land of the Free"
"Computers will know everything in the 21st
century. They'll be like me in the 20th