So my first two calls to the mechanic today basically sounded like there was no hope at all for my poor little car and that it was probably going to never be driven again from where I parked it.

But my third call, as I drove the rental along I-4 through Orlando, was the conclusion: basically, come pick up your car and drive it like normal and watch the oil carefully and that will buy you at least a little bit of time.

So that's ok for now. Not good, but at least I've got a bit to find something instead of feeling like I need to accept whatever comes along because of a time crunch.

Meanwhile, I can't imagine what my Gramps' wife is going through right now. She lost her husband the same time I lost my grandmother, and she got involved with my grandfather a while afterwards, and they got married and they really love eachother in a way that perhaps doesn't exist in my generation so much.. And he's been failing for a while now and is certainly much worse this visit than even when I was there just a month ago.

I got this overwhelming feeling when I was hugging him goodbye that that may very well be one of the last times I would get to do so. Perhaps the very last. He's been saying that for a while now, but this was almost tangible.

As we were saying goodbye, she and I, she was doing her usual encouraging me to come back down as soon as possible since we haven't known for a long time that there would be very many chances.. And so as she said that, she looked at him and said that she was planning on ten more years for herself and he'd better be there with her through them all.

I looked at him and I knew that, as much as he loved her, ten more years of struggling to breath and to walk and to stay awake for more than a few hours at a time, ten more years of having no appetite and having no activities he enjoyed.. that must seem unbearable. But there she is, facing the loss of her second husband in five years, after a first marraige that was (if I recall correctly) over 55 years in the making.

She didn't bargain on this. Neither did he. I think that although I am really torn up about it, I am more ready to let him go than I was my grandmother, mostly because of how much time we've gotten to spend together in the past few years. But I can't imagine being in Jan's shoes.. I can't imagine what she's going through.

This is going to be subject-whiplash in a way, but it's the other thing that was really on my mind tonight during my drive home.

I was at that place for like a week where I was really ok with being very, very single again. Where I was even thinking that maybe God had brought me back to where I could be single forever .. I mentioned that a little bit here.

And I still am in a way. But at the same time, tonight I really wanted to be coming home to someone, to just grab a guy off one of my sofas to go take a walk and just BE with me.

I don't want a friggin' rock star.. I used to think that mentality was kinda cute in a pat-them-on-the-head type of way, but I'm growing to the point where I don't even want to be around them for the same reasons I don't want to be around a lot of the guys at my bar when they're single and lonely. Or at least lonely.

I don't want some guy who will pretend to listen and pretend to care just to get in my pants.. I've always hated that and hate it even more now.

I just had this overwhelming desire to have a guy that I could take walks with and go on weekend trips with and just BE with.

And then I realized that all of the things that I wanted I could find in Christ in a less-tangible way. And I had a really nice walk "alone" tonight, just listening and thinking and singing a little bit.

I had really wanted to escape when I left my grandfather's house, just to make a detour on my way home to go to a place where I wasn't in the Navy and I wasn't driving a rental because my car just broke down, and where I hadn't just left the home of my ailing grandfather. I used to be able to escape by going to dollar movies, but something about paying six and a half bucks minimum makes it less of an escape.. (Why doesn't Jax have a dollar theater?) And so I wanted to just go to some town I've never been to and see a quasi-potential-friend who had quasi-invited me there and just hang out for an evening and get back in town in time to get to work on time tomorrow.

Perhaps it was divine intervention. With this particular person, this was the third experience that was most likely just that very thing.

I ended up driving straight home instead and working out lots of things in my head on the way and then taking my walk and feeling a great deal more composed all in all.

So that was my day and those are the things on my mind.

And I'm wondering how my loved ones in the Ill/MO area made out. And I'm praying for them.

And I'm planning my trip to DC and hoping that comes together well.

And I'm still looking for some Rosie Thomas tour dates.