C'est La Vie
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What a beautiful piece of heartache this has all turned out to be. Lord knows we've learned the hard way all about healthy apathy. And I use these words pretty loosely. There's so much more to life than words..
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Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Really, although I still walk on eggshells at work when I care enough to, the rest of the events previous to and including my birthday seem like ages ago. I do feel significantly older this time, and I feel like I have been for a very long time, and that all of those things that happened even just a week ago were many moons before that.
For Lent, I am giving up going to bars by myself (especially the bar on base) and spending money on alcohol. (I do have some wine, liquor, and Guiness in my room that I can drink, and if I go out with others and they want to buy me a drink, that may be ok.. but I'm not gonna buy anymore in public or at stores.) I am giving up red meat (and maybe chicken, etc) after tonight (the youth group I've been working with did a fundraising Psghetti and Meatballs dinner tonight, so I decided to start after that) and excessives and waste. I've been not into excessive amounts of sweets and whatnot for a while anyway, but I'm even more determined not to eat all the junk I can be more prone to. So I'm going to eat tunafish and salmon a lot, and salad and fruit, and some whole grain breads and stuff on occasion, and try to get healthier. And start working out, for cryin' out loud! So goes the plan, anyway. And I'm going to stop wasting so much time reading books that are dumb (books can be so hit and miss, you know, when the cover looks good or the description sounds nice or people recommend it) or watching movies that are just two hours I'll never get back in my life.. I'm going to pursue my interests instead of all this.. try to get creative again (something about my bootcamp experience and pre-bootcamp focus knocked that out of me to this day) and watch some of the movies or read some of the books that certain people have recommended to me in ways that I really WANT to see/read them, instead of the ones that are easier to come across. And instead of spending so much time in other ways, I am going to wake up earlier in the morning and do this one devotional book I got in MS and have been looking forward to starting but never got around to. And I am going to spend more time pursuing my relationship with God instead of superficial relationships with people. And as my relationship with God gets into line, I'll be able to pursue the deeper relationships with people that I ought to be spending time with (meaning anyone I can have a strong connection with on whatever level, mostly) and less surface relationships with people I don't actually enjoy being around or feel at peace around. I'm tired of those. So, that is my plan for the next few weeks before Easter. And hopefully many of these plans will have transferred into lasting habits so that after Easter, although I do see myself shifting back into more surface relationships (which are fine when you have enough deep relationships to satisfy or at least satiate that need) and spending more time in social situations, I will continue to pursue my relationship with God above all else and keep some of my healthier personal and creative pursuits as well. This is Lent. And this is not everyone's religious tradition or choice. But for me, I do look forward to Lent every year and to having something that is (in my mind) more significantly attached to my core than a New Year's Resolution to say out with the bad and replace that with the good. Replacing is key. Otherwise there's just still room for more or different bads to seep in. I like Lent. I like Ash Wednesday and Shrove Tuesday and Holy Week and Easter. I like having these traditions and these mysteries. One of the reasons that I am glad to be involved in a Prebysterian church right now (even though I am decidedly not Presbyterian myself) is because they celebrate these traditions. Beautiful season. Pray for me, please, for strength and motivation. And mostly for memory.. my biggest problem in past Lenten seasons has been forgetting. Forgetting that I gave up ice cream and having some, which isn't going to send me to hell but it shows what kind of a priority that is in my life in a way. I haven't been online much in a while even though I have a certain amount of access at work. So even for those of you (bannerzens, andylanders, even dot netters, and Katy..) who have seen me resurface recently, I'm really kinda just bobbing in the water right now, not actually climbing out onto the dock. When I move off base, the only major purchase I have in my budgetted future (since I already have a car and all) is a laptop and internet access. So then I'll be able to catch up more. 'Till then.. (0) comments Thursday, February 03, 2005
Sometimes I am intensely lonely, because I desire to be around people with whom I get along or who I know, or sometimes new people with good conversation. And other times, I am in my introverted (and/or processing) mode, and I desire to be alone, whether in my room or in a crowd, so that I can just observe and process recent events or the ways of humanity.
Fortunately, this past week has been a VERY introverted week. Even more fortunate considering that any holidays or special occasions can be difficult when you're alone unwillingly. Christmas was very mellow for me here, since I was just house-sitting, attending a Christmas Eve church service where I saw some people I know a little, and then attending a Navy-people dinner with only one person I'd ever even met before and a small crowd of new faces. New Year's was mellow, because I was the Designated Driver for my brothers (and Jesse) at a party of friends of friends of my brothers so that I didn't actually know anyone there besides my own carload, and before that we were just playing trivial pursuit at my mother's house and listening to my talented family members (who left me in the dust on musical gifts) play their instruments. I got extroverted again in January, but reverted right back into the peacefully introverted state around the 29th. Which was fabulous. So after spending the weekend with Gramps and Jan at their home on a lake (spending hours on the patio watching the lake and the ducks swimming, and hours more reading the newspaper and A Tree Grows in Brooklyn and getting lots of sleep and some great stories from each of them), I came back Sunday night and spent a little bit of time with some of the crazy regulars at the bar on base.. Worked on Monday, then treated myself to dressing comfortably and casually and going out for dinner. I ended up at O'Charley's, which is a birthday tradition I started for myself a few years ago, because their caramel pie is the best thing in the world. So I sat in the corner booth reading more of A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, ate my dinner, and watched some of my fellow guests at other tables. Then I went to Walmart, where I had dropped off the photos I took over my New Year's trip and picked those up along with some nice flowers and a vase to keep them in. Flowers make me happy, and it's never bothered me buying them for myself. On Tuesday (my actual birthday), I had the day off and slept a fair amount, watched Return To Me (which may very well be my favorite movie of all time), and made myself a snowman in the freezer out of scrapped-ice from the defrosting process. My snowman and my flowers each make me very, very happy each time I look at them. I didn't even leave the base at all on Tuesday, and yet had a very nice, relaxing day. By last night, I was very nearly out of the introverted stage (the only catch to them is I get wordier than normal, if you can believe that, after being so quiet for the few days previous) and glad to finally get back to the youth group I've been helping lead these past few months. After youth, I went with Jonathan over to his college group as I had twice before, and enjoyed myself there (although I'm sure that I talked a little too much, even though I very intentionally did not participate in large sections of the discussion), and from there went back to the barracks, read some more, and went to sleep. I was feeling the strong pull of extroversion and yet am not so much today. So tonight, I will clean, read, and maybe pay a little visit to my storage space if I can. We have a short day (in civilian clothes) at work tomorrow, to gear up for the Super Bowl Weekend being hosted by our fair city, which has brought loads and loads of visitors to town (many of whom are not terribly impressed by the muggy, nasty weather we've had the past couple of days). I actually had a very nice birthday period (the few day span of "celebrating") and may treat myself to a little spa visit or a tattoo this weekend. Ok, so I'm not gonna get the tattoo just yet. (0) comments |
Hippie: (after hearing Max wants to avoid the draft)You still have options man. "So how do i do normal "It's been known for a train to jump its track. It's ok, so you'll know, most times they come back. It's ok to lose your life, when you finally see your birth. It's ok to say, "I love you," and figure sometimes it's gonna hurt. "As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes, all exciting at first, but then by the end you're sick of 'em!" "Hey, this is weird! I ordered one frozen yogurt and they gave me two. You don't happen to like frozen yogurt, do you?" "I love it!" "You're kidding! What a crazy random happenstance!" "Only one more trip," said a gallant seaman, "It was Flannery O'Connor who said that 'grace must wound before it heals.' Her words help me to separate what is most true about life from the things we want to be true. We want life to be painless. True grace is a hard sell because in order for the human heart to understand forgiveness and love, it must first experience darkness and isolation. A life lived under the rule of grace is a life of need which allows us to receive an appreciate the gift of the giver of grace. This is why we will always have the poor with us; this is why God will not allow us to ignore injustice; this is why we are called to a life we cannot handle alone, which can and will break us in the effort to live it -- because grace must wound before it heals." Regarding 2007: Should auld acquaintance be forgot, I thought Christmas Day would never come. But it's here at last, so Mom and Dad, the waiting's finally done. And you gotta get up, you gotta get up, you gotta get up, it's Christmas morning. O little town of Bethlehem, Walk humbly, son Strings of lights above the bed "In a little while I'll feel better "Please tell me once again that You love me. That You love me. Please tell me once again that I matter to You and You really care. Please tell me once again that You're with me, forever. It's not that I could ever doubt you, I just love the way it sounds. I just love the way it sounds." "Every once in a while, a bannerzen posts." "7:30. What kind of people have to be at work at 7:30?" have you seen my love Traveling is significant because it takes so much effort. Either you're going to some place you love, or you're leaving some place you love. Usually it's both. I think I have Bond's ability to get into trouble but not his ability to get out of it. Someday I'll be in some foreign country with 5 thugs with automatic rifles pointed at me, and I'll just.... fart "You had no alternative .. We must work in the world. The world is thus." --- "No .. Thus have we made the world." The summer ends and we wonder where we are And there you go, my friends, with your boxes in your car And you both look so young And last night was hard, you said You packed up every room And then you cried and went to bed But today you closed the door and said "We have to get a move on. It's just that time of year when we push ourselves ahead, We push ourselves ahead." Looking out the bedroom at this snowy TV.. ever since commencement, no one's asking 'bout me. But I bet before the night falls, I could catch the late bus.. take small provisions and this Beethoven bust. I could find work in the outskirts of the city, eat some fish on the way.. befriend an old dog for a roadside pal, find a nice couch to stay -- a pull-out sofa, if you please!" Ooh! Get me away from here I'm dying "The trouble with folks like Brownie is they hold their life in like a bakebean fart at a Baptist cookout and only let it slip out sideways a little at a time when they think there's nobody noticing. Now that's the last thing on earth the Almighty intended. He intended all the life a man's got inside him, he should live it out just as free and strong and natural as a bird." "Life is a phantasmagoria .. It is a pell-mell of confused and tumultuous scenes. We try in vain to find a purpose - to bring an order, a unity to life. I suppose that is the appeal of art. Art is the blending of the real and the unreal, the conquering of nature. It is real enough for it to reflect life, but has the unity that life lacks." "in time memories fade. I've always had this feeling about Patty that she's complex and intriguing...I like Patty alot. She's got a good heart and tells terrible squirrel jokes. "Try to remember that world-weariness isn't necessarily a bad thing. In the book of Mark, I think its Mark, Jesus looks at a blind man and sighs. Jesus sighed before even telling the man he would be healed. He sighed, and I'm not sure that there's a much more human expression of frustration than this. Faced with the horrid picture of a cursed earth and looking into the white eyes of a man blind from the day he was born, He sighed. The Creator of the universe in human form was sad "of the evils of this world," the world He created. Your Creator sighed for you in the same way before He healed you and made you His." After the last secret's told After the last bullet tears through flesh and bone After the last child starves And the last girl walks the boulevard After the last year that's just too hard There is love -- Andrew Peterson, After the Last Tear Falls "when you most need people, you don't need perfection - just to know someone gives a damn" "A CALL TO ACTION: "My brother's always [telling me], 'You should be more mysterious--boys like that.' But I'm not good at that. It would just make me more uncomfortable." "Loners want to kill you, but not for any particular reason, and they'd probably like you if they weren't being guided by the violent voices in their head." "No one wants to oil a snake these days!"
-- Her mom: "We're all safe." -- Jamie Bevill and her mother during Christmas-Decorating dinner, December 20, 2002 i'd throw out all my shoes i'd set up cans for friends to dump their shoes senseless shoes a pioneer of callouses lordy-be and bless my soul i'd be a barefoot spaceman the first you'd ever know" "The best way to have God's will for your life is to have no will of your own!" "Generations circle and each one atones. The sins of the father are seperate from my own. In Pilgrim's Progress, it's forgiveness that makes whole, and as time levels and consoles, I place the daisies in your bowl." "For a moment he just stared at her. Then, with an urf-urf-urf of laughter, he turned back to the controls." "It's on the internet.. so, then, it must be true." "Be at least as interested in what people can become as you are in what they have been." Blessed be the rock stars!" Get up for the shower.. wash and scrub and scour every part as if a cleaner man could better bear the shame.. "She was eating gnarly amounts of calcium." Homeless man to girl trying to give him money: "No, thanks, ma'am. I never work on Sundays." "Wow! I never thought I'd need a radar-guided spatula!" "Isn't it great that I articulate? Isn't it grand that you can understand? ... I can talk, I can talk, I can talk!" I believe that people laugh at coincidence as a way of relegating it to the realm of the absurd and of therefore not having to take seriously the possibility that there is a lot more going on in our lives than we either know or care to know... I suspect that part of it, anyway, is that every once and so often we hear a whisper from the wings that goes something like this: "You've turned up in the right place at the right time. You're doing fine. Don't ever think that you've been forgotten. When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of "No answer." It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, "Peace, child; you don't understand." CCM: You've spoken a lot more about crying than I ever thought you would. "Youth is not a period of time. It is a state of mind, a result of the will, a quality of the imagination, a victory of courage over timidity, of the taste for adventure over the love of comfort. A man doesn't grow old because he has lived a certain number of years. A man grows old when he deserts his ideal. The years may wrinkle his skin, but deserting his ideal wrinkles his soul. Preoccuptaions, fears, doubts, and despair are the enemies which slowly bow us toward earth and turn us into dust before death. You will remain young as long as you are open to what is beautiful, good, and great; receptive to the messages of other men and women, of nature and of God. If one day you should become bitter, pessimistic, and gnawed by despair, may God have mercy on your old man's soul." ""Don't go matchmaking for me, Ilse," said Emily wit a faint smile... "I feel in my bones that I shall achieve old-maidenhood, which is an entirely different thing from having old-maidenhood thrust upon you." "I wish Aunt Elizabeth would let me go to Shrewsbury, but I fear she never will. She feels she can't trust me out of her sight because my mother eloped. But she need not be afraid I will ever elope. I have made up my mind that I will never marry. I shall be wedded to my art" "Tomorrow seems like a long ways away. But it will come, just like any other day... Deep inside, where the wounded creatures hide, I am afraid. Maybe I got lost somewhere along the way somehow. Please rescue me... Yea, though I walk through the valley of the dark shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For you are with me... Though I fear, though I am afraid, You are with me. Though I'm angry, tired, broken down and confused, You are with me. Though I sin like I've never sinned before, lose myself right out an open door, You are with me." "The invisible people agreed about everything. Indeed most of their remarks were the sort it would not be easy to disagree with: "What I always say is, when a chap's hungry, he likes some victuals," or "Getting dark now; always does at night," or even "Ah, you've come over the water. Powerful wet stuff, ain't it?"" -- C. S. Lewis, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader "When People object... that if Jesus was God as well as Man, then He had an unfair advantage which deprives Him for them of all value, it seems to me as if a man struggling in the water should refuse a rope thrown to him by another who had one foot on the bank, saying, "Oh but you had an unfair advantage." It is because of His advantage that He can help." "But, you know, as a Christian, one of the big questions you always ask yourself is, "So we believe in Jesus, we believe in the teachings of the church, but what does that look like when it's lived out?" Because surely, one of the things that Jesus said that I think we often overlook is, "The person who hears my words and does them is like the wise man who built his house on the rock." He didn't say "the person who hears my words and thinks about 'em" or "whoever hears my words and agrees with it." But he said, "Whoever hears it and does it." "find that which gives you breath and grants you more to give "I have packed all my belongings. I don't belong here anymore. This pair of sandles, one pack to carry, this old guitar and this tattered old Bible. And I know I won't be afraid. 'cause I know, I know Home is where You are." "Open up your weepy eyes, everyone is dancing. Angels peer through sweet disguise, through a fire of cleansing. "Long hair, no hair; Everybody, everywhere:
Breathe Deep, breathe deep the Breath of God!" "You may be bruised and torn and broken, but
you're Mine!" "I don't deserve to speak, and they don't deserve
to hear it. It's makin' me believe that it's not
about me." "Kickin' against these goads sure did cut up my
feet. Didn't your hands get bloody as you washed
them clean?" "They say God blessed us with plenty. I say
you?re blessed with poverty. ?Cause you never
stop to wonder whether earth is just a little
better than the Land of the Free" "Computers will know everything in the 21st
century. They'll be like me in the 20th
century." |
