C'est La Vie
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What a beautiful piece of heartache this has all turned out to be. Lord knows we've learned the hard way all about healthy apathy. And I use these words pretty loosely. There's so much more to life than words..
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Thursday, July 15, 2004
FRIDAY, July 2, 2004. 10:37 pm. This-is-the-I'm-sick-of-military-garbage-and-will-write-civilian-today-format.
First, a brief (ha!) explanation of my job as division yoeman: When 88 some odd people between 17 and 30 years old (in our division, though the range can vary slightly from that, of course) and from almost every background come together and have 8 to 10 weeks to turn into sailors, there is a lot of paperwork and scheduling to do. There are things the whole division does (from both academic and physical tests to haircuts or live fire range time) and there are things only certain groups or individuals do. Since none of these people have a calendar (except me and the medical and dental yoeman who are under me, both of whom work hard and do good jobs) or are allowed to be remotely independent anyway, the yoemen's jobs (theirs mostly in their specific fields and mine in everything the division does or might do) are to get the division, groups, and individuals all to their scheduled appointments and activities, to make sure everyone has what they need (ID cards for certain events, etc.), keep track of who is where, when, and if they returned on time, and be at every beck and call of our RDC's every moment of the day. If a form is filled out incorrectly (includng, say, the barracks check out sheet which recruits use when they sign out to say they're away from the division) I or my sub yoemans get dropped (as in physical training) for it. Push-ups are passe, you see... here, we do "8-count body builders" which are much, much harder, and they control which step we're on and what speed we're using. I'm sure there's an explanation of 8-counts somewhere on the net, so I won't even try here. But anyway, the point is that it's a lot of work and a lot of stress, and I sure wasn't quite ready for it to be quite like this. So, throw in some other quirks and I had a very bad week. I already talked about the other divisional (recruit) staff, the inspection garbage, and the resulting lack of motivation I've been feeling since. Here's the real kicker, though! In middle school, I had a root canal done, very poorly, on one of my bottom molars. In high school, I had all 4 wisdom teeth and another tooth pulled out. Since then, I had had 3 further teeth pulled (remember that my goal is to become a waffle-house waitress), all molars, and the root canal molar was still there with its stubby, jagged little remains. (The cap had fallen off and been replaced several times, and finally I just left it off.) So, since my body is now property of the US government, they decided that tooth would be surgically removed here at bootcamp to give their "I-came-in-as-a-lieutenant-and-yet-I-have-no-idea-what-the-snot-I'm-doing" newer dentists some practice, and make them earn the $100,000 a year they pay them (as the dental staff said over and over). And of course, I had no choice in the matter, just as the decent portion of my divisional shipmates who had 2 or 4 of their wisdom teeth pulled had no choice. The removal of my tooth was surgical because there was so little left above the surface that they had to cut my gums in order to yank the stub out, which, by the way, was held in with a metal post. Ok, so I've had 4 teeth AND my wisdom teeth removed, so I can handle this, right? Except that in the process (this was Tuesday, mind you, and it's now Friday), the dentist cuts my cheek (behind the good tooth behind the one they were pulling) and takes 2 chunks out of my lower lip. Thanks, I didn't want that lip anyway. You know, it was such a pain how it held things in my mouth when I ate or drank... And then there's the nerve damage; my right cheek still looks swollen, except it still feels like there's Novocaine inside, and it's because he damaged my nerves. Whether this lasts weeks or months or forever, at least right now it makes talking, running, and looking in the mirror very difficult in various ways. This dentist, worst of all, has the gall to tell me that my "lips were too chapped, so small pieces of them came off during the procedure." I stinkin' FELT you hit them with your grinder tool and your sharp tools! The Novocaine hadn't gone that far up, buddy! Cut them deep enough they didn't bleed much, either. I come back to my division and everyone says I look like my lip was burned. So I'm on 4 different medications just for that, because it's so painful... 3 of them, actually, are painkillers. They had me on Vicodin and Motrin first with some bacitracin to put on my lips, but I had a severe reaction to the Vicodin and the doctor at the hospital took me off that without prescribing anything else. When the pain was keeping me from eating and sleeping much, a post-op dentist prescribed another gel (triamcinolone acetonide) that helps numb "oral lesions" and that has helped a bit, but not much. During my follow-up appointment, she prescribed MLB Rinse (which is Maalox, Benadryl, and lidocaine mixed and MUST not be swallowed), which numbs what it comes in contact with, including taste buds, and that helped a little. But then we had a PT session today including a lot of running, and it nearly killed me, the pain did. So backk to dental, where they prescribed naproxen, which still isn't enough, but all these pills are tearing my stomach apart. That's 5 medications now, just for the one problem, not to mention the physical damage done and all. But it is healing, very slowly and painfully, and I don't feel like the Hunchback of Notre Dame as much anymore when I go around people other than my girls. Even with the males in my division, I was really self-conscious. And since I don't have but 4 molars left, not even lined up with each other, on my left side and it's too painful to chew yet on my right side (on which the 5 molars left are a little more lined up), and then I was feeling like crap aesthetically, and I was in pain just breathing and moreso eating, and I had to pass up on several of my favorite foods because they'd need more grinding than I could do... since all those factors are there, I've cried every meal from Tuesday to now, and I cry many places we go when the pain flares up particularly badly. I've realized that I have a bad attitude about all this, and I've prayed for Christ's joy to reign instead and for strength and mercy. And then I go somewhere and my lips hurts and my divisional RCPO (pronounced "Ahr Pock") gets an attitude with someone and doesn't get IT'd (the punishment version of PT) for it or an inspection happens and they mess with the results, and I get so bothered. Meanwhile, I still realize that I have a bad attitude and that a lot of this is what bootcamp is all about, but it's breaking people into little shreds, and I really think the shreds have got to be the smallest out of my division. Because no matter how much I work at things, I get shin splints, or a dentists messes me up, or whatever else happens, and something completely outside my control destroys my hard effort. Oh, that's not so different from my civilian life, eh? Except when I'm on major drugs, I can't sit at home and rest... no, no... I have to be at bootcamp of all paces, looking and feeling like this. So what did I come here for? Can I really believe it'll get better? That the Navy's benefits will make all this worth it? SATURDAY, JULY 3, 2004. 2225 Yes. Yes, I can believe it'll get better, and that it's a good thing I joined the Navy. I still struggle, sometimes, but I'm optimistic again. I hate feeling like some moody chick, swayed by every whim and writing different tones each night; however, I had as much dental/lip pain as ever today (maybe more) and yet had a pretty good day overall. It started off really bad, but by lunchtime I was feeling like progress was being made both in the division and in me and my yoemen getting caught up on our work, so now I'm going to bed rather content and rather excited about having holiday routine the next days (!!!) because of observance of the 4th, and sleeping well tonight (hopefully) and writing more tomorrow. Not that this isn't long enough. SUNDAY, 4th of JULY, 2004. 9:26 Sundays are the most wonderful thing here, at least 'till 3:30 when our free time ends. Tonight's gonna be a lot of work on bunk and locker drills, and for me prolly a lot of work in the office, too. But it should be good, and tomorrow should be good and in 4 weeks we'll graduate and one week after that I move on to my "A" school. Lots of letters to write today, so I'm off now. Love y'all! Oh, yes, blog readers, one more bit. I was selected for yoeman (if I didn't explain yet) because I'll be personellman which is a related field, and because I aced my ASVAB. A typical day -- well, that really doesn't exist so much. We wake up usually between 5 and 6 (and I have to wake up half an hour early to get things rolling and get my own rack "on spot" before Reveille... and we all know how much I love waking up early...), and usually go to chow soon after or run a bunk drill, but some mornings we'll be doing PT first. Then we may have a class, a test, more bunk drills, marching practice, and/or shots/medical processing/etc. and then lunch. Then more of the same, or time in the barracks learning more about folding our laundry or marching certain steps or movements, or usually PT. Then we'll do dinner and hygeine (which means 44 girls have 10 minutes total to shower, get dressed again, and be ready for RDC time. And evenings after chow are usually being talked to by our RDC's or PT or getting in trouble and being IT'd and whatever it is, it's followed by a LOT of cleaning. And then Taps is 10pm. We do receive mail (by law) the night it gets to our barracks, which does sometimes take a bit longer than it would, say, to get to my house. But not too much longer. No mail on Saturdays, Sundays, or holidays... The Saturday part is a bummer, of course. But it's nice getting mail during the week. So, 4th of July, and I had Wootbear and ice cream and a cheeseburger and fries and baked beans and (to make it as American as possible) Apple Pie! Yay for Independence Day! Love y'all! Patty -- Seaman Recruit Tracey
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Hippie: (after hearing Max wants to avoid the draft)You still have options man. "So how do i do normal "It's been known for a train to jump its track. It's ok, so you'll know, most times they come back. It's ok to lose your life, when you finally see your birth. It's ok to say, "I love you," and figure sometimes it's gonna hurt. "As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes, all exciting at first, but then by the end you're sick of 'em!" "Hey, this is weird! I ordered one frozen yogurt and they gave me two. You don't happen to like frozen yogurt, do you?" "I love it!" "You're kidding! What a crazy random happenstance!" "Only one more trip," said a gallant seaman, "It was Flannery O'Connor who said that 'grace must wound before it heals.' Her words help me to separate what is most true about life from the things we want to be true. We want life to be painless. True grace is a hard sell because in order for the human heart to understand forgiveness and love, it must first experience darkness and isolation. A life lived under the rule of grace is a life of need which allows us to receive an appreciate the gift of the giver of grace. This is why we will always have the poor with us; this is why God will not allow us to ignore injustice; this is why we are called to a life we cannot handle alone, which can and will break us in the effort to live it -- because grace must wound before it heals." Regarding 2007: Should auld acquaintance be forgot, I thought Christmas Day would never come. But it's here at last, so Mom and Dad, the waiting's finally done. And you gotta get up, you gotta get up, you gotta get up, it's Christmas morning. O little town of Bethlehem, Walk humbly, son Strings of lights above the bed "In a little while I'll feel better "Please tell me once again that You love me. That You love me. Please tell me once again that I matter to You and You really care. Please tell me once again that You're with me, forever. It's not that I could ever doubt you, I just love the way it sounds. I just love the way it sounds." "Every once in a while, a bannerzen posts." "7:30. What kind of people have to be at work at 7:30?" have you seen my love Traveling is significant because it takes so much effort. Either you're going to some place you love, or you're leaving some place you love. Usually it's both. I think I have Bond's ability to get into trouble but not his ability to get out of it. Someday I'll be in some foreign country with 5 thugs with automatic rifles pointed at me, and I'll just.... fart "You had no alternative .. We must work in the world. The world is thus." --- "No .. Thus have we made the world." The summer ends and we wonder where we are And there you go, my friends, with your boxes in your car And you both look so young And last night was hard, you said You packed up every room And then you cried and went to bed But today you closed the door and said "We have to get a move on. It's just that time of year when we push ourselves ahead, We push ourselves ahead." Looking out the bedroom at this snowy TV.. ever since commencement, no one's asking 'bout me. But I bet before the night falls, I could catch the late bus.. take small provisions and this Beethoven bust. I could find work in the outskirts of the city, eat some fish on the way.. befriend an old dog for a roadside pal, find a nice couch to stay -- a pull-out sofa, if you please!" Ooh! Get me away from here I'm dying "The trouble with folks like Brownie is they hold their life in like a bakebean fart at a Baptist cookout and only let it slip out sideways a little at a time when they think there's nobody noticing. Now that's the last thing on earth the Almighty intended. He intended all the life a man's got inside him, he should live it out just as free and strong and natural as a bird." "Life is a phantasmagoria .. It is a pell-mell of confused and tumultuous scenes. We try in vain to find a purpose - to bring an order, a unity to life. I suppose that is the appeal of art. Art is the blending of the real and the unreal, the conquering of nature. It is real enough for it to reflect life, but has the unity that life lacks." "in time memories fade. I've always had this feeling about Patty that she's complex and intriguing...I like Patty alot. She's got a good heart and tells terrible squirrel jokes. "Try to remember that world-weariness isn't necessarily a bad thing. In the book of Mark, I think its Mark, Jesus looks at a blind man and sighs. Jesus sighed before even telling the man he would be healed. He sighed, and I'm not sure that there's a much more human expression of frustration than this. Faced with the horrid picture of a cursed earth and looking into the white eyes of a man blind from the day he was born, He sighed. The Creator of the universe in human form was sad "of the evils of this world," the world He created. Your Creator sighed for you in the same way before He healed you and made you His." After the last secret's told After the last bullet tears through flesh and bone After the last child starves And the last girl walks the boulevard After the last year that's just too hard There is love -- Andrew Peterson, After the Last Tear Falls "when you most need people, you don't need perfection - just to know someone gives a damn" "A CALL TO ACTION: "My brother's always [telling me], 'You should be more mysterious--boys like that.' But I'm not good at that. It would just make me more uncomfortable." "Loners want to kill you, but not for any particular reason, and they'd probably like you if they weren't being guided by the violent voices in their head." "No one wants to oil a snake these days!"
-- Her mom: "We're all safe." -- Jamie Bevill and her mother during Christmas-Decorating dinner, December 20, 2002 i'd throw out all my shoes i'd set up cans for friends to dump their shoes senseless shoes a pioneer of callouses lordy-be and bless my soul i'd be a barefoot spaceman the first you'd ever know" "The best way to have God's will for your life is to have no will of your own!" "Generations circle and each one atones. The sins of the father are seperate from my own. In Pilgrim's Progress, it's forgiveness that makes whole, and as time levels and consoles, I place the daisies in your bowl." "For a moment he just stared at her. Then, with an urf-urf-urf of laughter, he turned back to the controls." "It's on the internet.. so, then, it must be true." "Be at least as interested in what people can become as you are in what they have been." Blessed be the rock stars!" Get up for the shower.. wash and scrub and scour every part as if a cleaner man could better bear the shame.. "She was eating gnarly amounts of calcium." Homeless man to girl trying to give him money: "No, thanks, ma'am. I never work on Sundays." "Wow! I never thought I'd need a radar-guided spatula!" "Isn't it great that I articulate? Isn't it grand that you can understand? ... I can talk, I can talk, I can talk!" I believe that people laugh at coincidence as a way of relegating it to the realm of the absurd and of therefore not having to take seriously the possibility that there is a lot more going on in our lives than we either know or care to know... I suspect that part of it, anyway, is that every once and so often we hear a whisper from the wings that goes something like this: "You've turned up in the right place at the right time. You're doing fine. Don't ever think that you've been forgotten. When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of "No answer." It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, "Peace, child; you don't understand." CCM: You've spoken a lot more about crying than I ever thought you would. "Youth is not a period of time. It is a state of mind, a result of the will, a quality of the imagination, a victory of courage over timidity, of the taste for adventure over the love of comfort. A man doesn't grow old because he has lived a certain number of years. A man grows old when he deserts his ideal. The years may wrinkle his skin, but deserting his ideal wrinkles his soul. Preoccuptaions, fears, doubts, and despair are the enemies which slowly bow us toward earth and turn us into dust before death. You will remain young as long as you are open to what is beautiful, good, and great; receptive to the messages of other men and women, of nature and of God. If one day you should become bitter, pessimistic, and gnawed by despair, may God have mercy on your old man's soul." ""Don't go matchmaking for me, Ilse," said Emily wit a faint smile... "I feel in my bones that I shall achieve old-maidenhood, which is an entirely different thing from having old-maidenhood thrust upon you." "I wish Aunt Elizabeth would let me go to Shrewsbury, but I fear she never will. She feels she can't trust me out of her sight because my mother eloped. But she need not be afraid I will ever elope. I have made up my mind that I will never marry. I shall be wedded to my art" "Tomorrow seems like a long ways away. But it will come, just like any other day... Deep inside, where the wounded creatures hide, I am afraid. Maybe I got lost somewhere along the way somehow. Please rescue me... Yea, though I walk through the valley of the dark shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For you are with me... Though I fear, though I am afraid, You are with me. Though I'm angry, tired, broken down and confused, You are with me. Though I sin like I've never sinned before, lose myself right out an open door, You are with me." "The invisible people agreed about everything. Indeed most of their remarks were the sort it would not be easy to disagree with: "What I always say is, when a chap's hungry, he likes some victuals," or "Getting dark now; always does at night," or even "Ah, you've come over the water. Powerful wet stuff, ain't it?"" -- C. S. Lewis, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader "When People object... that if Jesus was God as well as Man, then He had an unfair advantage which deprives Him for them of all value, it seems to me as if a man struggling in the water should refuse a rope thrown to him by another who had one foot on the bank, saying, "Oh but you had an unfair advantage." It is because of His advantage that He can help." "But, you know, as a Christian, one of the big questions you always ask yourself is, "So we believe in Jesus, we believe in the teachings of the church, but what does that look like when it's lived out?" Because surely, one of the things that Jesus said that I think we often overlook is, "The person who hears my words and does them is like the wise man who built his house on the rock." He didn't say "the person who hears my words and thinks about 'em" or "whoever hears my words and agrees with it." But he said, "Whoever hears it and does it." "find that which gives you breath and grants you more to give "I have packed all my belongings. I don't belong here anymore. This pair of sandles, one pack to carry, this old guitar and this tattered old Bible. And I know I won't be afraid. 'cause I know, I know Home is where You are." "Open up your weepy eyes, everyone is dancing. Angels peer through sweet disguise, through a fire of cleansing. "Long hair, no hair; Everybody, everywhere:
Breathe Deep, breathe deep the Breath of God!" "You may be bruised and torn and broken, but
you're Mine!" "I don't deserve to speak, and they don't deserve
to hear it. It's makin' me believe that it's not
about me." "Kickin' against these goads sure did cut up my
feet. Didn't your hands get bloody as you washed
them clean?" "They say God blessed us with plenty. I say
you?re blessed with poverty. ?Cause you never
stop to wonder whether earth is just a little
better than the Land of the Free" "Computers will know everything in the 21st
century. They'll be like me in the 20th
century." |
