C'est La Vie
What a beautiful piece of heartache this has all turned out to be. Lord knows we've learned the hard way all about healthy apathy. And I use these words pretty loosely. There's so much more to life than words..
Things I love
Friday, August 08, 2003
As something of an update as well as a clarification, here's the status of trying to figure out what's causing them: We ruled out hypoglycemia and any of the common anemias when I took the glucose-tolerance-test (gtt) and CBC (a vitamin check, I guess) a few months ago. We ruled out vertigo and pretty much anything vertigo-related when taking the Mecclizine (sp?) during my last dizzy spell had no effect on it. I personally have ruled out anything food or dehydration related by observing my own dietary habits and even noting that Tuesday, I didn't eat much (again, I wasn't feeling well and had no appetite, but also just didn't make the time before my doctor's appointment that evening.. then I ate plenty when I got to house church afterwards) and didn't get dizzy. The doctor I saw on Tuesday, who happens to have also been the first one I saw back in March (they have a rotating schedule, since they're all volunteers at the free clinic), ordered the gtt and cbc back then. He agreed that it must not be food related. He also said that my eyes focus together very well (though I feel a remarkable amount of strain in them doing that, but that might be partially my eyesight getting worse) and I have no hearing loss, so it probably isn't anything on my brain .. however, he has ordered a CAT Scan and referred me to a nuerologist (which will both be paid for by the free clinic.. yay!) just in case. He's fairly stumped by it since it wasn't any of the obvious solutions, but will be checking into things.
In a strange form of irony or such, he made a comment as he was leaving about getting old and how I'm lucky to be young. I mentioned something in reply about having had all the middle-aged-obese-men problems since I was a tiny little teenage girl, so what difference does it really make? He didn't quite catch onto that one, though.
So, that is the update. My CAT Scan will be on Wednesday, VERY early in the morning. I'm not really nervous, and I think knowing that I'm incredibly Not-Claustaphobic helps, along with the fact that I just want to know WHAT is wrong, regardless of what it is and whether or not anything can be done about it. I am hoping to find a local friend to go with me, though, because the waits are always so boring. The hospital where I'll be getting it done will be just up the street from me, though, instead of the medical center across town where they usually do it. I'm glad for that much, at least.
Still nothing on the car insurance and such. My adjuster (with Progressive) called on Friday to tell me that *he* had received the crash report, so hopefully the other company would receive it any day. I called them on Tuesday to give them my new number, got the machine, and haven't heard back. I called again today, and got the machine again. If I don't hear anything tomorrow, I'll be calling the supervisor on Monday, since that worked really well last time I hadn't heard anything from them when I should've. I've still got the rental, though I'll need to call in tomorrow to extend it again.
I'm all moved into my new place. If you have my old number, I still have voice-mail there (which is the one that I can check from wherever I am, as opposed to my new place where I have to be home to get msgs) and will 'till someone moves in, and my msg also gives my new number. Only three folks (and the four-year-old son of one of them) showed up to help me on Saturday, so I gathered a bunch of folks (including three that drove pickup trucks, one Suburban, and a bunch of other manpower that took carloads over) on Sunday after church, and worked all day. Then I went back on Monday and Wednesday for the bit that was left and for the cleaning that still needed to be done. It's all over now, I've turned in my keys, I've paid my prorated rent amount -- or, rather, had my landlords subtract that from the amount they were paying me to housesit for the previous week while they were gone -- and I've been moving stuff around into appropriate storage locations and whatnot for the next two months at my new place. I've also been sitting on the porch watching the deer and the gophers-the-size-of-bobcats (or whatever animal it might be.. rodents of unusual size, almost) and the lots and lots and lots of butterflies. It's a very, very peaceful area, and a fantastic house. It will be a great two months, methinks. I'm living right next to a Lutheran church, which means I'll be able to go by and look up all the symbols that I grew up with (since I was raised Lutheran) that aren't commonly used in the churches I've been in since. I'm also living so much closer to a lot of friends and some exciting places, and I'm just really excited about this in general. One of those things where I almost wish I weren't moving to NC in two months (not to mention that a bunch of job offers have been pouring in, and my babysitting and housesitting/petsitting clients have been picking up muchly) except that I still really want to move and it's what I KNOW is right. If I stayed, I'd soon be wishing I hadn't.
This weekend, I'm petsitting for a new client and sorta old friend, who has a VERY hyper yappy-dog named Indie. Indie is currently asleep by my chair, but he sleeps on his side and with his eyes open, and it kinda freaks me out. He's got epilepsy, but Jim said he hasn't had a seizure in a long time, and he's on medication for it. So, I'm giving him his medication every day, and making myself be more energetic with him than I was with even the golden retriever (of my landlords) who I love dearly and who, being a golden, is all about energy and attention, too. This dog (I couldn't tell you what breed he is) is all about licking faces and doing tricks and playing catch and stuff. He's very smart and very well-trained, though, and I'm going to enjoy this weekend. Not to mention that Jim's got a record player, a CD Burner, and some other technological devices that I'm very much looking forward to using. Jyl, the woman in whose house I'm living for the next two months, has a very nice sewing machine that I'll be using to make my necktie-dress (which is already pinned), repair some other clothing, and maybe make more things if I can.
Oh, and Jyl isn't charging me rent (since I'm house-and-cat-sitting) and is paying the utility bills, and since I've still got food stamps for August, my only monthly-or-significant bill right now is car insurance. That's so stinkin' rad. So for two months, my expenses are gonna be less than $300, and that'll prolly include gas for whatever vehicle, plus food for september and anything else I might need in that time. Boy is that fantastic. So all the money I earn within the next two months can go towards moving expenses and whatnot. That's great. 'Cause it's gonna be an expensive enough move that I'll need it.
My faith in God providing in ways that are more understandable to me (not that they need to be) is stronger again. It was pretty rough back in the earlier part of this year, but I'm starting to see how even all that is coming together, and even all that (the drama at church, the extended unemployment, the not getting help from whence it could have been expected) was needed for the bigger and the better.
For now, I'm going to go watch a movie and then prolly sleep. Tomorrow, I'll be going back to my new place to put my food in the cabinets and put my two-months'-worth of clothes away, and then I think I'll be basically done with settling in. That may even mean that I won't have to go by at all on Saturday, unless I want to, so I can spend the day here listening to records and watching movies, or out with friends, or horseback riding, or who-knows-what. Yay!
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Hippie: (after hearing Max wants to avoid the draft)You still have options man.
"So how do i do normal
"It's been known for a train to jump its track. It's ok, so you'll know, most times they come back. It's ok to lose your life, when you finally see your birth. It's ok to say, "I love you," and figure sometimes it's gonna hurt.
"As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes, all exciting at first, but then by the end you're sick of 'em!"
"Hey, this is weird! I ordered one frozen yogurt and they gave me two. You don't happen to like frozen yogurt, do you?" "I love it!" "You're kidding! What a crazy random happenstance!"
"Only one more trip," said a gallant seaman,
"It was Flannery O'Connor who said that 'grace must wound before it heals.' Her words help me to separate what is most true about life from the things we want to be true. We want life to be painless. True grace is a hard sell because in order for the human heart to understand forgiveness and love, it must first experience darkness and isolation. A life lived under the rule of grace is a life of need which allows us to receive an appreciate the gift of the giver of grace. This is why we will always have the poor with us; this is why God will not allow us to ignore injustice; this is why we are called to a life we cannot handle alone, which can and will break us in the effort to live it -- because grace must wound before it heals."
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
I thought Christmas Day would never come. But it's here at last, so Mom and Dad, the waiting's finally done. And you gotta get up, you gotta get up, you gotta get up, it's Christmas morning.
O little town of Bethlehem,
Walk humbly, son
Strings of lights above the bed
"In a little while I'll feel better
"Please tell me once again that You love me. That You love me. Please tell me once again that I matter to You and You really care. Please tell me once again that You're with me, forever. It's not that I could ever doubt you, I just love the way it sounds. I just love the way it sounds."
"Every once in a while, a bannerzen posts."
"7:30. What kind of people have to be at work at 7:30?"
have you seen my love
Traveling is significant because it takes so much effort. Either you're going to some place you love, or you're leaving some place you love. Usually it's both.
I think I have Bond's ability to get into trouble but not his ability to get out of it. Someday I'll be in some foreign country with 5 thugs with automatic rifles pointed at me, and I'll just.... fart
"You had no alternative .. We must work in the world. The world is thus." --- "No .. Thus have we made the world."
The summer ends and we wonder where we are And there you go, my friends, with your boxes in your car And you both look so young And last night was hard, you said You packed up every room And then you cried and went to bed But today you closed the door and said "We have to get a move on. It's just that time of year when we push ourselves ahead, We push ourselves ahead."
Looking out the bedroom at this snowy TV.. ever since commencement, no one's asking 'bout me. But I bet before the night falls, I could catch the late bus.. take small provisions and this Beethoven bust. I could find work in the outskirts of the city, eat some fish on the way.. befriend an old dog for a roadside pal, find a nice couch to stay -- a pull-out sofa, if you please!"
Ooh! Get me away from here I'm dying
"The trouble with folks like Brownie is they hold their life in like a bakebean fart at a Baptist cookout and only let it slip out sideways a little at a time when they think there's nobody noticing. Now that's the last thing on earth the Almighty intended. He intended all the life a man's got inside him, he should live it out just as free and strong and natural as a bird."
"Life is a phantasmagoria .. It is a pell-mell of confused and tumultuous scenes. We try in vain to find a purpose - to bring an order, a unity to life. I suppose that is the appeal of art. Art is the blending of the real and the unreal, the conquering of nature. It is real enough for it to reflect life, but has the unity that life lacks."
"in time memories fade.
I've always had this feeling about Patty that she's complex and intriguing...I like Patty alot. She's got a good heart and tells terrible squirrel jokes.
"Try to remember that world-weariness isn't necessarily a bad thing. In the book of Mark, I think its Mark, Jesus looks at a blind man and sighs. Jesus sighed before even telling the man he would be healed. He sighed, and I'm not sure that there's a much more human expression of frustration than this. Faced with the horrid picture of a cursed earth and looking into the white eyes of a man blind from the day he was born, He sighed. The Creator of the universe in human form was sad "of the evils of this world," the world He created. Your Creator sighed for you in the same way before He healed you and made you His."
After the last secret's told
After the last bullet tears through flesh and bone
After the last child starves
And the last girl walks the boulevard
After the last year that's just too hard
There is love
-- Andrew Peterson, After the Last Tear Falls
"when you most need people, you don't need perfection - just to know someone gives a damn"
"My brother's always [telling me], 'You should be more mysterious--boys like that.' But I'm not good at that. It would just make me more uncomfortable."
"Loners want to kill you, but not for any particular reason, and they'd probably like you if they weren't being guided by the violent voices in their head."
"No one wants to oil a snake these days!"
Her mom: "We're all safe."
-- Jamie Bevill and her mother during Christmas-Decorating dinner, December 20, 2002
i'd throw out all my shoes
i'd set up cans for friends
to dump their shoes senseless shoes
a pioneer of callouses
lordy-be and bless my soul
i'd be a barefoot spaceman
the first you'd ever know"
"The best way to have God's will for your life is to have no will of your own!"
"Generations circle and each one atones. The sins of the father are seperate from my own. In Pilgrim's Progress, it's forgiveness that makes whole, and as time levels and consoles, I place the daisies in your bowl."
"For a moment he just stared at her. Then, with an urf-urf-urf of laughter, he turned back to the controls."
"It's on the internet.. so, then, it must be true."
"Be at least as interested in what people can become as you are in what they have been."
Blessed be the rock stars!"
Get up for the shower.. wash and scrub and scour every part as if a cleaner man could better bear the shame..
"She was eating gnarly amounts of calcium."
Homeless man to girl trying to give him money: "No, thanks, ma'am. I never work on Sundays."
"Wow! I never thought I'd need a radar-guided spatula!"
"Isn't it great that I articulate? Isn't it grand that you can understand? ... I can talk, I can talk, I can talk!"
I believe that people laugh at coincidence as a way of relegating it to the realm of the absurd and of therefore not having to take seriously the possibility that there is a lot more going on in our lives than we either know or care to know... I suspect that part of it, anyway, is that every once and so often we hear a whisper from the wings that goes something like this: "You've turned up in the right place at the right time. You're doing fine. Don't ever think that you've been forgotten.
When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of "No answer." It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, "Peace, child; you don't understand."
CCM: You've spoken a lot more about crying than I ever thought you would.
"Youth is not a period of time. It is a state of mind, a result of the will, a quality of the imagination, a victory of courage over timidity, of the taste for adventure over the love of comfort. A man doesn't grow old because he has lived a certain number of years. A man grows old when he deserts his ideal. The years may wrinkle his skin, but deserting his ideal wrinkles his soul. Preoccuptaions, fears, doubts, and despair are the enemies which slowly bow us toward earth and turn us into dust before death. You will remain young as long as you are open to what is beautiful, good, and great; receptive to the messages of other men and women, of nature and of God. If one day you should become bitter, pessimistic, and gnawed by despair, may God have mercy on your old man's soul."
""Don't go matchmaking for me, Ilse," said Emily wit a faint smile... "I feel in my bones that I shall achieve old-maidenhood, which is an entirely different thing from having old-maidenhood thrust upon you."
"I wish Aunt Elizabeth would let me go to Shrewsbury, but I fear she never will. She feels she can't trust me out of her sight because my mother eloped. But she need not be afraid I will ever elope. I have made up my mind that I will never marry. I shall be wedded to my art"
"Tomorrow seems like a long ways away. But it will come, just like any other day... Deep inside, where the wounded creatures hide, I am afraid. Maybe I got lost somewhere along the way somehow. Please rescue me... Yea, though I walk through the valley of the dark shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For you are with me... Though I fear, though I am afraid, You are with me. Though I'm angry, tired, broken down and confused, You are with me. Though I sin like I've never sinned before, lose myself right out an open door, You are with me."
"The invisible people agreed about everything. Indeed most of their remarks were the sort it would not be easy to disagree with: "What I always say is, when a chap's hungry, he likes some victuals," or "Getting dark now; always does at night," or even "Ah, you've come over the water. Powerful wet stuff, ain't it?"" -- C. S. Lewis, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
"When People object... that if Jesus was God as well as Man, then He had an unfair advantage which deprives Him for them of all value, it seems to me as if a man struggling in the water should refuse a rope thrown to him by another who had one foot on the bank, saying, "Oh but you had an unfair advantage." It is because of His advantage that He can help."
"But, you know, as a Christian, one of the big questions you always ask yourself is, "So we believe in Jesus, we believe in the teachings of the church, but what does that look like when it's lived out?" Because surely, one of the things that Jesus said that I think we often overlook is, "The person who hears my words and does them is like the wise man who built his house on the rock." He didn't say "the person who hears my words and thinks about 'em" or "whoever hears my words and agrees with it." But he said, "Whoever hears it and does it."
"find that which gives you breath and grants you more to give
"I have packed all my belongings. I don't belong here anymore. This pair of sandles, one pack to carry, this old guitar and this tattered old Bible. And I know I won't be afraid. 'cause I know, I know Home is where You are."
"Open up your weepy eyes, everyone is dancing. Angels peer through sweet disguise, through a fire of cleansing.
"You may be bruised and torn and broken, but
"I don't deserve to speak, and they don't deserve
to hear it. It's makin' me believe that it's not
"Kickin' against these goads sure did cut up my
feet. Didn't your hands get bloody as you washed
"They say God blessed us with plenty. I say
you?re blessed with poverty. ?Cause you never
stop to wonder whether earth is just a little
better than the Land of the Free"
"Computers will know everything in the 21st
century. They'll be like me in the 20th