C'est La Vie
What a beautiful piece of heartache this has all turned out to be. Lord knows we've learned the hard way all about healthy apathy. And I use these words pretty loosely. There's so much more to life than words..
Things I love
Thursday, July 31, 2003
A few months later (at the end of October), I went to church with just my mother, and we went to IHOP afterwards. I got those smiley-face pancakes with the chocolate chips and all that gooey stuff, and promptly threw up all over their bathroom about three-quarters of the way through the meal. I hadn't felt sick before, and I didn't feel sick afterwards, and the IHOP folks were very nice, and it was most certainly nothing to do with them. My mother, though, said that it must have just not settled well, and other people mentioned how eating that much chocolate in the morning (though it was noonish when we got there) may not have been wise. I knew, deep down in my quash, that it had nothing to do with the pancakes, though. All the same, I did stay home from school on Monday. That Tuesday, at practice, I just couldn't keep up with even the JV girls. Surely one day of practice missed didn't throw me that badly? Well, perhaps I really had gotten a bug and it was just slowing me down. Wednesday, same story. And Thursday, we were doing long-sprint practices, trying to run one lap around the track as quickly as possible, over and over. After the third (none of which I'd been performing well in), I was doubled-over in pain .. a highly unusual status for me. Apart from having a very high pain tolerance, and having been a competative runner for several years by that point, I was used to runner's cramps and could usually just keep going at about the same pace during them, and they'd go away eventually. This wasn't a runner's cramp. I was in too much pain to cry, or to move. My teammates asked if I was ok, and there really wasn't anything I could tell them. My coach was obviously disappointed, but I sat out the rest of the sprint drills all the same, and eventually just changed back into my regular clothes and watched the other girls 'till it was time to go home. I felt fine other than all that the rest of the week, Sunday morning I had a gut instinct that I should stay home from church (I hated missing church, even at that time when I wasn't going to a great one) and sure enough I got terribly sick again, just the once, with no other symptoms of illness either before or after. That Tuesday, I turned in my cross-country uniform and said I wished I could have gone with the team to districts, and then to States. They did well without me, but had I been up to par, I could have helped them along.
Meanwhile, that was it for the time being. No more sickness, no more feeling particularly off. And then, in November, I was on the bus on the way to school one morning, when that pain came back but even worse. Since the bus was mostly empty for the first hour of the trip (I was attending a school in which many students were bussed in from other areas to try to integrate the school more, so we had about ten kids from my city and the neighboring one and then we picked up about twenty from a ghetto right near the school), and since it hurt too bad for me to make any noise, I turned around in my seat so that the girls sitting diagonally behind me could see that I was in trouble. They told the bus driver, who promptly stopped to figure out what was wrong. One of the seniors on the bus was in the pre-med program, and he came over to check my pulse and see what he could do. Except that he couldn't find my pulse, because it does hide sometimes and was likely weaker at that point. And the bus driver called the ambulance, which brought me to the hospital after putting me to sleep with oxygen and an IV. I faded in at some point and was aware of my mother being there, and then promptly faded out again. And later, I woke up and was able to be a little more helpful in getting the nurses blood for all the tests they were running, and they didn't find anything, and I went with my mother to get some food and then sleep in the classroom where she was teaching that day. (Home, being over half an hour away, had to wait 'till after classes were done.) The next day, I went to school to hear about rumors of how I had been unconcious, had heart failure, or even died. A middle-school friend that hadn't spoken to me in a while came running to hug me, with tears streaming down her face, and apologized for being upset at me over something so bizarre as whatever we had fought about in middle school. My former cross-country coach was glad that I was ok, and I could sense some relief that I hadn't just faked my way out of running anymore.
In December, two days after Christmas, I had an endoscopy that revealed the beginning stages of an ulcer. That was after the Upper GI (which I fondly remember as the time when I was asked at least 14 different times if there was ANY POSSIBLE WAY that I might be pregnant, and the answer that I was a virgin seemed to satisfy them less than if I had said I hadn't slept with anyone in five months or so..), the several doctor's appointments, and popping Maalox like Smarties.
It's been eight years, almost, since those early days. I don't remember life without an ulcer, and I don't remember much about what the adjustment was like. None of the several medications that were tried worked to reduce reflux and such, except occasionally taking maalox and/or zantac (when we could afford it). Even those, of course, just calmed the acid down instead of getting rid of it. So, I still had my ulcer.
A couple of months ago, when I went to the free clinic (which was my first doctor's visit in five years), I was put on Prevacid. I have many friends that are on this, and it works well for them. It just didn't for me, though.. in fact, my reflux increased. So I gave the rest of my prescription to a friend that's having stomach pain (shhh.. don't tell the FDA) and went back to the free clinic two and a half weeks ago. The nurse practitioner there put me on Protonix, which I'd never heard of. There have been two days since I got the prescription when I forgot to take it, and one other when I wasn't at home and thus didn't have it with me to take .. and on those days, I have gotten reflux. The other 14 or so days, I have not had reflux. It is such an amazing feeling to now be on a medication that is actually working, and to suddenly have what has been a regular part of my life for the majority of it become something that is not part of my life anymore.
If it keeps working, and my ulcer is healed, I will be ecstatic.
Other updates: My car accident is still pending the liability ruling, so I still haven't gotten a payout from the insurnace company of the guy who hit me, though I have gotten a rental car in the meantime which they will need to reimburse me for. I am moving on Saturday, across town, and have done a lot of packing. I missed a complete day of productivity, though, because of being terribly dizzy yesterday (I'm dizzy again today, but less-so, and have thus been more productive) and thus not being able to leave the place where I am dogsitting except to go to the free clinic to see if they could catch what was wrong since I was in the midst of the dizzy spell spell. My ears looked fine, the EKG they did was fine, the various samples they took came up normal, except slightly-on-the-low-side-of-normal blood sugar (but we already know I'm not hypoglycemic) and significantly low blood pressure. Which was a cause of which is yet to be figured out, but my suspicion lies strongly on the blood sugar and maybe pressure being caused BY the dizziness, and not the other way around. So, we still aren't certain of what's causing it. Because the vertigo medication I'm to take on an as-needed basis didn't make me any less dizzy yesterday, and because my ears looked fine, we might be back to square one. So the nurse is going with the theory that perhaps it's started by vertigo and then strung along by dehydration and not eating enough (I couldn't get anything down yesterday, because I couldn't do much at all while I was so dizzy, other than sleep a little), except that when I got home from the free clinic (around 3:30) I ate a lot and it didn't get any better at all 'till about 10pm .. and then came back today, though I've been eating plenty. Plus that I had had a bowl of cheerios -- which I just ate very, very slowly -- and lots of juice for breakfast, and I didn't experience any less dizziness at any point to indicate that food has the slightest bit to do with this. So, if you know of anything that maybe might be overlooked or maybe might be a possibility for what's wrong, please let me know. Either way, please pray (if you do) for this.. to find out what's wrong and make it bearable.
Further update: Lots of folks are gonna be helping me move on Saturday, and that's very exciting. And I went out for coffee with a newish friend and his sister (whom I'd only met once before, very briefly) after Bible study last night, and then brought her back with me to watch Phone Booth (which was a decent movie.. lots of language, lots of messing-with-your-mind, but great acting) 'cause he had to work early the next day and neither of us did. It was great getting to chat with her some, and it's exciting to have a very solid group of friends here during these last few months. Tonight, I get to hang out with Sarah, finally.. I haven't seen Sarah in a while, especially in the really hanging out with time to talk kinda ways. She's in town for a friends' bridal shower, but I'm really glad we'll have some time to ourselves in the midst of all that. On that note, I'm gonna go back to feed the pets and let the dog out and rest for a while. I thought about being really ambitious and going to my apartment after taking care of these animals so that I can pack some more, but that's not gonna happen. And the pharmacist at the free clinic won't have gotten there yet, so I can't swing down there to pick up my new prescriptions just yet. Perhaps tomorrow? I'll go in next week to talk to one of the doctors, as the nurse practitioner recommended in case there is something she doesn't know about. And the early part of this month will be pretty relaxed, and then there will be concerts and friends returning for school, and lots of other stuff going on. And hopefully this fall, I'll be able to visit both MA to see my relatives up there and FL to see my relatives and old friends from down there. Goodness, I hope so. My niece is growing up and I haven't seen her in over a year and a half now, and it's been over a year since I got REAL determined to go to MA asap, since I haven't been there since I was 11. I called my Aunt the other day to make sure I had the right address for her before I sent out my "Christmas-in-July" letter and she was talking about how amazed she was that I'm driving, and how she keeps picturing an eleven year old in a car and living on her own and such. So it's kindof amusing, really. But hopefully I'll get to see her and Uncle Bob and the rest of the family up there, and where I was born, and the Boston life I never experienced since I was just a wee lassy (turning seven) when we moved away.
So, that's that. I'm off to go pay attention to a golden retriever and some very large cats now, and I don't know when I'll next be online. Prolly not too long.
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Hippie: (after hearing Max wants to avoid the draft)You still have options man.
"So how do i do normal
"It's been known for a train to jump its track. It's ok, so you'll know, most times they come back. It's ok to lose your life, when you finally see your birth. It's ok to say, "I love you," and figure sometimes it's gonna hurt.
"As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes, all exciting at first, but then by the end you're sick of 'em!"
"Hey, this is weird! I ordered one frozen yogurt and they gave me two. You don't happen to like frozen yogurt, do you?" "I love it!" "You're kidding! What a crazy random happenstance!"
"Only one more trip," said a gallant seaman,
"It was Flannery O'Connor who said that 'grace must wound before it heals.' Her words help me to separate what is most true about life from the things we want to be true. We want life to be painless. True grace is a hard sell because in order for the human heart to understand forgiveness and love, it must first experience darkness and isolation. A life lived under the rule of grace is a life of need which allows us to receive an appreciate the gift of the giver of grace. This is why we will always have the poor with us; this is why God will not allow us to ignore injustice; this is why we are called to a life we cannot handle alone, which can and will break us in the effort to live it -- because grace must wound before it heals."
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
I thought Christmas Day would never come. But it's here at last, so Mom and Dad, the waiting's finally done. And you gotta get up, you gotta get up, you gotta get up, it's Christmas morning.
O little town of Bethlehem,
Walk humbly, son
Strings of lights above the bed
"In a little while I'll feel better
"Please tell me once again that You love me. That You love me. Please tell me once again that I matter to You and You really care. Please tell me once again that You're with me, forever. It's not that I could ever doubt you, I just love the way it sounds. I just love the way it sounds."
"Every once in a while, a bannerzen posts."
"7:30. What kind of people have to be at work at 7:30?"
have you seen my love
Traveling is significant because it takes so much effort. Either you're going to some place you love, or you're leaving some place you love. Usually it's both.
I think I have Bond's ability to get into trouble but not his ability to get out of it. Someday I'll be in some foreign country with 5 thugs with automatic rifles pointed at me, and I'll just.... fart
"You had no alternative .. We must work in the world. The world is thus." --- "No .. Thus have we made the world."
The summer ends and we wonder where we are And there you go, my friends, with your boxes in your car And you both look so young And last night was hard, you said You packed up every room And then you cried and went to bed But today you closed the door and said "We have to get a move on. It's just that time of year when we push ourselves ahead, We push ourselves ahead."
Looking out the bedroom at this snowy TV.. ever since commencement, no one's asking 'bout me. But I bet before the night falls, I could catch the late bus.. take small provisions and this Beethoven bust. I could find work in the outskirts of the city, eat some fish on the way.. befriend an old dog for a roadside pal, find a nice couch to stay -- a pull-out sofa, if you please!"
Ooh! Get me away from here I'm dying
"The trouble with folks like Brownie is they hold their life in like a bakebean fart at a Baptist cookout and only let it slip out sideways a little at a time when they think there's nobody noticing. Now that's the last thing on earth the Almighty intended. He intended all the life a man's got inside him, he should live it out just as free and strong and natural as a bird."
"Life is a phantasmagoria .. It is a pell-mell of confused and tumultuous scenes. We try in vain to find a purpose - to bring an order, a unity to life. I suppose that is the appeal of art. Art is the blending of the real and the unreal, the conquering of nature. It is real enough for it to reflect life, but has the unity that life lacks."
"in time memories fade.
I've always had this feeling about Patty that she's complex and intriguing...I like Patty alot. She's got a good heart and tells terrible squirrel jokes.
"Try to remember that world-weariness isn't necessarily a bad thing. In the book of Mark, I think its Mark, Jesus looks at a blind man and sighs. Jesus sighed before even telling the man he would be healed. He sighed, and I'm not sure that there's a much more human expression of frustration than this. Faced with the horrid picture of a cursed earth and looking into the white eyes of a man blind from the day he was born, He sighed. The Creator of the universe in human form was sad "of the evils of this world," the world He created. Your Creator sighed for you in the same way before He healed you and made you His."
After the last secret's told
After the last bullet tears through flesh and bone
After the last child starves
And the last girl walks the boulevard
After the last year that's just too hard
There is love
-- Andrew Peterson, After the Last Tear Falls
"when you most need people, you don't need perfection - just to know someone gives a damn"
"My brother's always [telling me], 'You should be more mysterious--boys like that.' But I'm not good at that. It would just make me more uncomfortable."
"Loners want to kill you, but not for any particular reason, and they'd probably like you if they weren't being guided by the violent voices in their head."
"No one wants to oil a snake these days!"
Her mom: "We're all safe."
-- Jamie Bevill and her mother during Christmas-Decorating dinner, December 20, 2002
i'd throw out all my shoes
i'd set up cans for friends
to dump their shoes senseless shoes
a pioneer of callouses
lordy-be and bless my soul
i'd be a barefoot spaceman
the first you'd ever know"
"The best way to have God's will for your life is to have no will of your own!"
"Generations circle and each one atones. The sins of the father are seperate from my own. In Pilgrim's Progress, it's forgiveness that makes whole, and as time levels and consoles, I place the daisies in your bowl."
"For a moment he just stared at her. Then, with an urf-urf-urf of laughter, he turned back to the controls."
"It's on the internet.. so, then, it must be true."
"Be at least as interested in what people can become as you are in what they have been."
Blessed be the rock stars!"
Get up for the shower.. wash and scrub and scour every part as if a cleaner man could better bear the shame..
"She was eating gnarly amounts of calcium."
Homeless man to girl trying to give him money: "No, thanks, ma'am. I never work on Sundays."
"Wow! I never thought I'd need a radar-guided spatula!"
"Isn't it great that I articulate? Isn't it grand that you can understand? ... I can talk, I can talk, I can talk!"
I believe that people laugh at coincidence as a way of relegating it to the realm of the absurd and of therefore not having to take seriously the possibility that there is a lot more going on in our lives than we either know or care to know... I suspect that part of it, anyway, is that every once and so often we hear a whisper from the wings that goes something like this: "You've turned up in the right place at the right time. You're doing fine. Don't ever think that you've been forgotten.
When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of "No answer." It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, "Peace, child; you don't understand."
CCM: You've spoken a lot more about crying than I ever thought you would.
"Youth is not a period of time. It is a state of mind, a result of the will, a quality of the imagination, a victory of courage over timidity, of the taste for adventure over the love of comfort. A man doesn't grow old because he has lived a certain number of years. A man grows old when he deserts his ideal. The years may wrinkle his skin, but deserting his ideal wrinkles his soul. Preoccuptaions, fears, doubts, and despair are the enemies which slowly bow us toward earth and turn us into dust before death. You will remain young as long as you are open to what is beautiful, good, and great; receptive to the messages of other men and women, of nature and of God. If one day you should become bitter, pessimistic, and gnawed by despair, may God have mercy on your old man's soul."
""Don't go matchmaking for me, Ilse," said Emily wit a faint smile... "I feel in my bones that I shall achieve old-maidenhood, which is an entirely different thing from having old-maidenhood thrust upon you."
"I wish Aunt Elizabeth would let me go to Shrewsbury, but I fear she never will. She feels she can't trust me out of her sight because my mother eloped. But she need not be afraid I will ever elope. I have made up my mind that I will never marry. I shall be wedded to my art"
"Tomorrow seems like a long ways away. But it will come, just like any other day... Deep inside, where the wounded creatures hide, I am afraid. Maybe I got lost somewhere along the way somehow. Please rescue me... Yea, though I walk through the valley of the dark shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For you are with me... Though I fear, though I am afraid, You are with me. Though I'm angry, tired, broken down and confused, You are with me. Though I sin like I've never sinned before, lose myself right out an open door, You are with me."
"The invisible people agreed about everything. Indeed most of their remarks were the sort it would not be easy to disagree with: "What I always say is, when a chap's hungry, he likes some victuals," or "Getting dark now; always does at night," or even "Ah, you've come over the water. Powerful wet stuff, ain't it?"" -- C. S. Lewis, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
"When People object... that if Jesus was God as well as Man, then He had an unfair advantage which deprives Him for them of all value, it seems to me as if a man struggling in the water should refuse a rope thrown to him by another who had one foot on the bank, saying, "Oh but you had an unfair advantage." It is because of His advantage that He can help."
"But, you know, as a Christian, one of the big questions you always ask yourself is, "So we believe in Jesus, we believe in the teachings of the church, but what does that look like when it's lived out?" Because surely, one of the things that Jesus said that I think we often overlook is, "The person who hears my words and does them is like the wise man who built his house on the rock." He didn't say "the person who hears my words and thinks about 'em" or "whoever hears my words and agrees with it." But he said, "Whoever hears it and does it."
"find that which gives you breath and grants you more to give
"I have packed all my belongings. I don't belong here anymore. This pair of sandles, one pack to carry, this old guitar and this tattered old Bible. And I know I won't be afraid. 'cause I know, I know Home is where You are."
"Open up your weepy eyes, everyone is dancing. Angels peer through sweet disguise, through a fire of cleansing.
"You may be bruised and torn and broken, but
"I don't deserve to speak, and they don't deserve
to hear it. It's makin' me believe that it's not
"Kickin' against these goads sure did cut up my
feet. Didn't your hands get bloody as you washed
"They say God blessed us with plenty. I say
you?re blessed with poverty. ?Cause you never
stop to wonder whether earth is just a little
better than the Land of the Free"
"Computers will know everything in the 21st
century. They'll be like me in the 20th