C'est La Vie
What a beautiful piece of heartache this has all turned out to be. Lord knows we've learned the hard way all about healthy apathy. And I use these words pretty loosely. There's so much more to life than words..
Things I love
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
This past Friday, I was in NC, driving on I-40 between Raleigh and Durham, on a particularly nasty stretch of that highway. To add to that, there was a storm and heavy traffic. I was going to Cary to see Brooks Williams at the Six-string Cafe, and I was within about three or five miles of the venue. Suddenly, the jeep in front of me slammed on his brakes and swerved left (onto the shoulder) to avoid the car in front of him. I started to veer left when I saw him brake, but then pulled back into the lane when I realized that's where he was going. I hit him anyway, but since we were both braking it didn't hit him much and his vehicle wasn't damaged more than a scratch on the bumper. However, the car behind me (which was also swerving left) then slammed into me, sending me spinning right across the four lanes of traffic. In the far right lane, a driver was kind enough to keep driving (perhaps even speeding up?) and hold down his horn, as if there was any purpose to that whatsoever. So, I maintained as much control of my car as possible (one of my strongest characteristics as a driver is my ability not to overcompensate and also not to panic) and got back over to the left shoulder without being hit again. The three of us gathered there in the left shoulder and the police came out a while later -- I must say that they did respond quickly considering the storm and traffic and all. Yay for the State Highway Patrol, I think is who it was, of NC.
So, my car was damaged and undrivable, due to the front right tire being shredded to the metal, and the rear left tire well being pressed against the tire. My seat broke when I hit it several times, and there is a large bruise on the back of my head as well as several on the outside of my left leg and foot. My neck and upper back were quite sore, though nothing compared to my stomach muscles, which were severely strained. Since I don't use my stomach muscles much (because of my hiatal hernia), this made more of a difference. It seems, though, that my hernia wasn't worsened and the soreness was minimal, all-in-all.
The other two vehicles and drivers made it away with just some bumper-scratches and a bit of delay, but my car is in the garage in NC nearest where the accident happened, waiting for the insurance investigation to be complete and the payout settled.
My car's current Kelly Blue Book value is less than $300.
Poor Gilbert Wayne Ellesar. He was an excellent car, and I loved him dearly, despite all of his quirks and issues. On the bright side, though, at least I don't have to worry about the VA state inspection for a while.
This could get very nasty, though, btw. This case, that is. If the adjuster for the insurance company of the guy that hit me so desires, it could be one of the nastiest messes I've heard about in a long time. And a big hassle.
So, there is that.
That night, I did go see Brooks Williams, since I needed that even more after the accident than I had beforehand. I stayed with my friend Dawn, and then on Saturday a friend (Chris) from here came down to pick me up. It's roughly three hours each way, and of course there was nothing really that I could offer Chris (except some gas money), so it's even more appriciated that he was there and able to help me out. When I got home, I was flustrated because of not having a car, and wanted to be out with my regular Saturday-night group of friends. My one friend that was going to come get me got a migraine, though I didn't know that at the time.. just that she wasn't calling. Other friends couldn't or I just got their machines. And then another friend told me that, "really, it's just a long drive out there." I live about 20 minutes from most anything in town, including his house, his friends' house (where he was), or the bar at which we all hang out on the weekends. So I was even more flustrated by that, because when my one friend drives 6 hours round trip, this other friend doesn't even want to drive 40 minutes round-trip to help me when I specifically say how much I need to get out that night.
Overall, the people that responded well and were true friends to me through all of this are people that I knew would.. but some of the people that didn't surprised me, in that I thought they too were true friends.
A friend in need is a friend indeed, eh?
So, I stayed in Saturday, and honestly had a pretty rough night and struggle with depression. Just in the whole flustrated sense of things. And on Sunday, I went to church and from there to the river house where a bunch of us played on/in the water all day, waterskiing and swimming and all. I got to drive the boat for Bob, too, which I always feel very glad about since it gives him a chance to ski when usually he's pulling everyone else around. I had two skis, both great fun.. since the first was my first of this year (since maybe September of last year), I took it pretty easy, especially because the water was quite choppy and the skis were a different design than anything I'd ever been on before. But by the second ski, I was feeling a little more spunky and even got to jump the wake a couple of times. Fell a couple of times, too, but in really gentle and fun ways. I love waterskiing.
After that, I drove the car that I'd borrowed over to a Sheetz, and left it there while Jeff and I went up to see Eddie From Ohio. Their soundguy, Bob, was kind enough to put me (plus one) on the guest list since they already had someone to work merch for them, so I was able to bring Jeff along for his first EFO concert experience. He enjoyed it very much, as did I, and it was great saying hi to the folks afterwards. Robbie recognized me after a second (very surprised) glance, and then told me that I pulled a Robbie. (Robbie is bald.) From there, while I was talking to him, Mike and Eddie also recognized me.. Julie came over a bit later and did not recognize me, even when Eddie asked if she did and thus she knew she knew me. And then she was very surprised and later on said she just couldn't get over seeing me with a shaved head. It's always fun to see these folks, of course, because they're one of the most down-to-earth and hilarious groups of people ever. And besides that, when you've got a band made up of a Jew, two Catholics (one practicing and one not-so-much) and a percussionist, and they sing gospel songs simply because they're from the south, right after singing songs about decidedly not gospel topics, you know you're in for a good time. So anyway, it was great.
Jeff and I drove back to the Sheetz for me to get the car I was borrowing (a Fiero, no less), except that it wouldn't start. So he drove me home and I called Alan about it the next day, and we went out to try to get it working. He replaced the battery (the one it had was completely dead) and may need to replace the altenator, too. Hopefully for him he'll get it working .. for me, though, I just still don't have a car. All my friends and church folks and whatnot are trying to find anyone they know that's got an extra one sitting around that I could use 'till this insurance mess gets sorted out, but in the meantime I'm pretty stranded and relying on the kindness of other people. It was one thing to not have a car when I lived on the bus line and near folks that could give me rides.. it's another thing now.
So, I'm doing much better emotionally today, but yesterday (which is when I started writing this entry), I was thinking about how I'll get really broken and think I'm as broken as I can get and need to heal for a while, and then suddenly I'll find myself being even more broken. And I had this image go through my mind of a vase being dropped, and lying in pieces.. and then being stepped on.. and then being ground into powder. I kinda felt like that, honestly. Not that I'm on a pity trip right now, trying to emotionally manipulate people into feeling sorry for all the hardships I'm going through and blahdeblah.. simply that that's how I felt. Like I was broken and then more broken and then there was nothing left to break. I know there's something left.. goodness, I hate the idea that it's ALL going to be grounded up soon.
And then, the slip. I started thinking about how even when a vessel is beyond hope of being repaired, it can be ground up and used to repair other vessels, to make still others complete.
Perhaps I need to stop thinking about myself being healed and resign myself to the idea that I really am to be slip, that my own beyond-brokenness is to be used to complete, repair, and beautify other people and so instead of being one shattered-and-glued vase, I'll be in many other vases, pots, bowls, plates, candle-holders, etc. Instead of being one person with one purpose, I'll be helping other people to meet a huge variety of other purposes.
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Hippie: (after hearing Max wants to avoid the draft)You still have options man.
"So how do i do normal
"It's been known for a train to jump its track. It's ok, so you'll know, most times they come back. It's ok to lose your life, when you finally see your birth. It's ok to say, "I love you," and figure sometimes it's gonna hurt.
"As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes, all exciting at first, but then by the end you're sick of 'em!"
"Hey, this is weird! I ordered one frozen yogurt and they gave me two. You don't happen to like frozen yogurt, do you?" "I love it!" "You're kidding! What a crazy random happenstance!"
"Only one more trip," said a gallant seaman,
"It was Flannery O'Connor who said that 'grace must wound before it heals.' Her words help me to separate what is most true about life from the things we want to be true. We want life to be painless. True grace is a hard sell because in order for the human heart to understand forgiveness and love, it must first experience darkness and isolation. A life lived under the rule of grace is a life of need which allows us to receive an appreciate the gift of the giver of grace. This is why we will always have the poor with us; this is why God will not allow us to ignore injustice; this is why we are called to a life we cannot handle alone, which can and will break us in the effort to live it -- because grace must wound before it heals."
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
I thought Christmas Day would never come. But it's here at last, so Mom and Dad, the waiting's finally done. And you gotta get up, you gotta get up, you gotta get up, it's Christmas morning.
O little town of Bethlehem,
Walk humbly, son
Strings of lights above the bed
"In a little while I'll feel better
"Please tell me once again that You love me. That You love me. Please tell me once again that I matter to You and You really care. Please tell me once again that You're with me, forever. It's not that I could ever doubt you, I just love the way it sounds. I just love the way it sounds."
"Every once in a while, a bannerzen posts."
"7:30. What kind of people have to be at work at 7:30?"
have you seen my love
Traveling is significant because it takes so much effort. Either you're going to some place you love, or you're leaving some place you love. Usually it's both.
I think I have Bond's ability to get into trouble but not his ability to get out of it. Someday I'll be in some foreign country with 5 thugs with automatic rifles pointed at me, and I'll just.... fart
"You had no alternative .. We must work in the world. The world is thus." --- "No .. Thus have we made the world."
The summer ends and we wonder where we are And there you go, my friends, with your boxes in your car And you both look so young And last night was hard, you said You packed up every room And then you cried and went to bed But today you closed the door and said "We have to get a move on. It's just that time of year when we push ourselves ahead, We push ourselves ahead."
Looking out the bedroom at this snowy TV.. ever since commencement, no one's asking 'bout me. But I bet before the night falls, I could catch the late bus.. take small provisions and this Beethoven bust. I could find work in the outskirts of the city, eat some fish on the way.. befriend an old dog for a roadside pal, find a nice couch to stay -- a pull-out sofa, if you please!"
Ooh! Get me away from here I'm dying
"The trouble with folks like Brownie is they hold their life in like a bakebean fart at a Baptist cookout and only let it slip out sideways a little at a time when they think there's nobody noticing. Now that's the last thing on earth the Almighty intended. He intended all the life a man's got inside him, he should live it out just as free and strong and natural as a bird."
"Life is a phantasmagoria .. It is a pell-mell of confused and tumultuous scenes. We try in vain to find a purpose - to bring an order, a unity to life. I suppose that is the appeal of art. Art is the blending of the real and the unreal, the conquering of nature. It is real enough for it to reflect life, but has the unity that life lacks."
"in time memories fade.
I've always had this feeling about Patty that she's complex and intriguing...I like Patty alot. She's got a good heart and tells terrible squirrel jokes.
"Try to remember that world-weariness isn't necessarily a bad thing. In the book of Mark, I think its Mark, Jesus looks at a blind man and sighs. Jesus sighed before even telling the man he would be healed. He sighed, and I'm not sure that there's a much more human expression of frustration than this. Faced with the horrid picture of a cursed earth and looking into the white eyes of a man blind from the day he was born, He sighed. The Creator of the universe in human form was sad "of the evils of this world," the world He created. Your Creator sighed for you in the same way before He healed you and made you His."
After the last secret's told
After the last bullet tears through flesh and bone
After the last child starves
And the last girl walks the boulevard
After the last year that's just too hard
There is love
-- Andrew Peterson, After the Last Tear Falls
"when you most need people, you don't need perfection - just to know someone gives a damn"
"My brother's always [telling me], 'You should be more mysterious--boys like that.' But I'm not good at that. It would just make me more uncomfortable."
"Loners want to kill you, but not for any particular reason, and they'd probably like you if they weren't being guided by the violent voices in their head."
"No one wants to oil a snake these days!"
Her mom: "We're all safe."
-- Jamie Bevill and her mother during Christmas-Decorating dinner, December 20, 2002
i'd throw out all my shoes
i'd set up cans for friends
to dump their shoes senseless shoes
a pioneer of callouses
lordy-be and bless my soul
i'd be a barefoot spaceman
the first you'd ever know"
"The best way to have God's will for your life is to have no will of your own!"
"Generations circle and each one atones. The sins of the father are seperate from my own. In Pilgrim's Progress, it's forgiveness that makes whole, and as time levels and consoles, I place the daisies in your bowl."
"For a moment he just stared at her. Then, with an urf-urf-urf of laughter, he turned back to the controls."
"It's on the internet.. so, then, it must be true."
"Be at least as interested in what people can become as you are in what they have been."
Blessed be the rock stars!"
Get up for the shower.. wash and scrub and scour every part as if a cleaner man could better bear the shame..
"She was eating gnarly amounts of calcium."
Homeless man to girl trying to give him money: "No, thanks, ma'am. I never work on Sundays."
"Wow! I never thought I'd need a radar-guided spatula!"
"Isn't it great that I articulate? Isn't it grand that you can understand? ... I can talk, I can talk, I can talk!"
I believe that people laugh at coincidence as a way of relegating it to the realm of the absurd and of therefore not having to take seriously the possibility that there is a lot more going on in our lives than we either know or care to know... I suspect that part of it, anyway, is that every once and so often we hear a whisper from the wings that goes something like this: "You've turned up in the right place at the right time. You're doing fine. Don't ever think that you've been forgotten.
When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of "No answer." It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, "Peace, child; you don't understand."
CCM: You've spoken a lot more about crying than I ever thought you would.
"Youth is not a period of time. It is a state of mind, a result of the will, a quality of the imagination, a victory of courage over timidity, of the taste for adventure over the love of comfort. A man doesn't grow old because he has lived a certain number of years. A man grows old when he deserts his ideal. The years may wrinkle his skin, but deserting his ideal wrinkles his soul. Preoccuptaions, fears, doubts, and despair are the enemies which slowly bow us toward earth and turn us into dust before death. You will remain young as long as you are open to what is beautiful, good, and great; receptive to the messages of other men and women, of nature and of God. If one day you should become bitter, pessimistic, and gnawed by despair, may God have mercy on your old man's soul."
""Don't go matchmaking for me, Ilse," said Emily wit a faint smile... "I feel in my bones that I shall achieve old-maidenhood, which is an entirely different thing from having old-maidenhood thrust upon you."
"I wish Aunt Elizabeth would let me go to Shrewsbury, but I fear she never will. She feels she can't trust me out of her sight because my mother eloped. But she need not be afraid I will ever elope. I have made up my mind that I will never marry. I shall be wedded to my art"
"Tomorrow seems like a long ways away. But it will come, just like any other day... Deep inside, where the wounded creatures hide, I am afraid. Maybe I got lost somewhere along the way somehow. Please rescue me... Yea, though I walk through the valley of the dark shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For you are with me... Though I fear, though I am afraid, You are with me. Though I'm angry, tired, broken down and confused, You are with me. Though I sin like I've never sinned before, lose myself right out an open door, You are with me."
"The invisible people agreed about everything. Indeed most of their remarks were the sort it would not be easy to disagree with: "What I always say is, when a chap's hungry, he likes some victuals," or "Getting dark now; always does at night," or even "Ah, you've come over the water. Powerful wet stuff, ain't it?"" -- C. S. Lewis, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
"When People object... that if Jesus was God as well as Man, then He had an unfair advantage which deprives Him for them of all value, it seems to me as if a man struggling in the water should refuse a rope thrown to him by another who had one foot on the bank, saying, "Oh but you had an unfair advantage." It is because of His advantage that He can help."
"But, you know, as a Christian, one of the big questions you always ask yourself is, "So we believe in Jesus, we believe in the teachings of the church, but what does that look like when it's lived out?" Because surely, one of the things that Jesus said that I think we often overlook is, "The person who hears my words and does them is like the wise man who built his house on the rock." He didn't say "the person who hears my words and thinks about 'em" or "whoever hears my words and agrees with it." But he said, "Whoever hears it and does it."
"find that which gives you breath and grants you more to give
"I have packed all my belongings. I don't belong here anymore. This pair of sandles, one pack to carry, this old guitar and this tattered old Bible. And I know I won't be afraid. 'cause I know, I know Home is where You are."
"Open up your weepy eyes, everyone is dancing. Angels peer through sweet disguise, through a fire of cleansing.
"You may be bruised and torn and broken, but
"I don't deserve to speak, and they don't deserve
to hear it. It's makin' me believe that it's not
"Kickin' against these goads sure did cut up my
feet. Didn't your hands get bloody as you washed
"They say God blessed us with plenty. I say
you?re blessed with poverty. ?Cause you never
stop to wonder whether earth is just a little
better than the Land of the Free"
"Computers will know everything in the 21st
century. They'll be like me in the 20th