C'est La Vie

What a beautiful piece of heartache this has all turned out to be. Lord knows we've learned the hard way all about healthy apathy. And I use these words pretty loosely. There's so much more to life than words..
I really think I'll be ok. They've taken their toll these latter days.
-- Over the Rhine, Latter Days


2001.04 2001.05 2001.06 2001.07 2001.08 2001.09 2001.10 2001.11 2001.12 2002.01 2002.02 2002.03 2002.04 2002.05 2002.06 2002.07 2002.08 2002.09 2002.10 2002.11 2002.12 2003.01 2003.02 2003.04 2003.05 2003.06 2003.07 2003.08 2003.09 2003.10 2003.11 2003.12 2004.01 2004.02 2004.03 2004.04 2004.05 2004.06 2004.07 2004.08 2004.09 2004.10 2004.11 2004.12 2005.01 2005.02 2005.03 2005.04 2005.05 2005.07 2005.10 2005.11 2006.02 2006.03 2006.04 2006.05 2006.07 2006.08 2006.09 2006.10 2006.11 2006.12 2007.01 2007.02 2007.03 2007.04 2007.05 2007.06 2007.07 2007.08 2007.09 2007.10 2007.11 2007.12 2008.01 2008.02 2008.03 2008.04 2008.05 2008.06 2008.07 2008.08 2008.09 2008.10 2008.11 2008.12 2009.01 2009.02 2009.03 2009.05 2009.07

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Contact Me

by email
change to proper format: pattyt81 at hotmail dot com
(I hate Spam)

By mail
(contact me for my new address)

Other Weblogs I enjoy
(In no particular order)

Katy Raymond


Recommended Readings

A Grief Observed

Wishful Thinking
Frederick Buechner

Divine Conspiracy
Dallas Willard (may never finish)

Rich Mullins: An Arrow Pointing to Heaven
James Bryan Smith

Recommended Listening
(from my collection)

The Hymnal, Arkadelphia
Randall Goodgame

Land of the Living
Eric Peters

Laryngitis, Longing
Katy Bowser

Walk [EP], Carried Along, Clear to Venus, Love and Thunder, and live bootlegs
Andrew Peterson

In the Company of Angels
Caedmon's Call

Delusions of Grandeur
Fleming and John

The entire CD catalog
Eddie From Ohio

Bootlegs including Eddie From Ohio, Rich Mullins, David Wilcox, and Andrew Peterson

Things I love
(AKA: Ways to win my heart)
Music, gift certificates, ice cream, music, chocolate, meatballs, music, books, knowledge, music, good movies, music, animals, art supplies, music, cotton candy, fajitas, music, safety, music....

Things I wish I owned and could listen to or read
found at Relevantmagazine.com,
and at pastemusic.com, too

Monday, September 27, 2004

So much for the idea of having a hundred average.

Yes, I'm perfectly capable of it, but I made one stupid mistake on the last section of our last test and two on today's (the first section of our current test), so that I ended up with a 96 on each section and a 99.2 average before today, prolly a 98.something (maybe just 98) after we take the other section of our current test tomorrow.. IF I actually get a hundred on that test.


I really feel frustrated with myself for it, because they were such incredibly simple mistakes, and I still could have gotten a hundred average if I'd just listened to the nagging little voice in my head telling me to double check.

I'll still be one of the best PN's in the Navy's history, though.

At least there's that, for whatever it's worth.

Ah, well. You'll have that, eh?

I've been having a lot of trouble breathing since I got here, and it's worsened this past week. Today it's been constantly difficult, even very, very painful at times. I've been to medical about it several times, and they've been trying a few different medications, none of which seem to have an positive impact. Some of them seem to for a little while, and then suddenly I have a day like today. But Doc just put me on Claritin, to see if it's just an allergic reaction type thing to the MS area or what. So far, no difference in the several hours since I took it, but here's hoping.

Library's closing now, so I must be off. Goodness, October 7th (IF I get outta here by then .. still no orders just yet, so I don't know where I'm going, and we have to know that before we can leave here) is so close and yet so far away.

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Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Another day, another nervous breakdown...

I figured out yesterday why I've been having such trouble with the finer details of adjusting to military life (as opposed to the overall adjustment -- which was, as I mentioned in my bootcamp posts, relatively successful) when so many of my peers seem to have had less:

I know better.

I didn't come here right out of high school or a strict parental background, nor directly from a very liberal parental background. I didn't party my college years away and realize how I need to settle down now, or find myself a father-to-be and decide to step up to the challenges, financial among others.

I lived in the real world for 23 years, lived on my own since I was 17, had several jobs in the civilian sector, and know through-and-through exactly how much of this would never fly in a company that actually earns its ability to pay its employees, who in turn thus have to earn their ability to be paid by the company.

This military thing may be easier for people who come here without knowing any better, or out of even more desperation than I was facing the first few months of this year. But I know better. I cannot settle for those over me doing things incorrectly when it affects so many people, especially when the incorrectness is a simple matter of organization that really wouldn't take much to fix. If I offer to help (being a very organized person in most areas and in any areas in which I choose .. even those that have known my more cluttered side may have seen glimpses of the organized chaos that side produced), I'm given a half-hour speech on what life will be like in the fleet; a speech that reflects only what life would be like in a bad or hectic command that happens to be deployed/on a cruise at that time, so that you actually do have 12 hour watches and few duty sections. As a TAR PN, I'm unlikely to find myself in such a situation, but even as an undesignated deck seaman I would only have found myself there so often. I am then given another half hour speech on what it takes to be in the Navy and if I didn't want to do my duty, I shouldn't have joined (oh, Lord, if I had known I could've backed out once I got my old job back after enlisting before reporting to boot camp), and that I need to just suck it up. And then, the obligatory parting comments about if I still have a problem, I can just take it up my chain of command.

Sometimes, I wonder if people actually want things taken up the chain of command, perhaps in the hopes that if the chain of command finally realizes how bad they are at that particular job, they wouldn't have to do it anymore.

All I know is 18 year old kids at boot camp do a better job of rotating the watchbill than some who have been in for half as long as said kid has been alive.

My teacher still holds out the notion that I'll have a 100 average or very near to that by the time my class is done. I figure I'm capable under the best circumstances. But when I'm being woken up to suddenly replace someone on the watchbill for a 3:30 am watch without enough prior warning to have, say, gone to bed earlier so that I still would have had enough sleep .. I've fallen asleep in class several times today, and am making all kinds of very stupid mistakes on the classwork we've done, because I'm so tired that my brain isn't functioning.

16 more days and a wake-up 'til we're gone, as is said among my classmates.. if I get out of here graduation day, that's only 16 more nervous breakdowns before I leave.

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Monday, September 13, 2004

Although Ivan isn't likely to do too much damage here, the next couple of days will be interesting. This area does have a bit more likelihood of tornadoes and such, and lots of wind and rain. AND, we're the evacuation area for lots of not-so-distant bases, so it'll be VERY crowded here for a while.

If you're evacuating, and make it to VA and find yourself stranded, give me a call and I'll hook you up with a space in my beautimus apartment.

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Sunday, September 12, 2004

Apart from the fact that the shoes I'm wearing are remarkably uncomfortable (and may need to be returned to the Wal-mart from whence they came, along with the amazingly poor-quality-for-the-price makeup I bought there this past week), things are looking up here. I got a cheap little phone to hold me over 'till I figure out what happened to mine, which means I AM able to be contacted again. It'll be off more often than it used to be, what with having classes and duty and other military responsibilities these days, but my free nights start at 7pm (which time zone, I'm not entirely certain -- HOPEFULLY eastern, since that'd be an extra hour) and the whole weekend is free, and I've got pcs-to-pcs free, and plenty of minutes on top of that, for a lower rate than I was paying on my monthly bill before anyway.

We had our first test on Friday, and I am currently one of three in my class of 24 with an average of 100%. (Jim said that you can't have an AVERAGE of 100, but how else are you supposed to put that? And besides, 100 plus 100 divided by two equals 100, right? And since you added them together and divided, that's an Average by definition, right? Just happens they're the same number and all.. So there!) It amazed me how some people could score as low as they did on the test, though, because even for someone without office experience and all, the test was stinkin' easy. Perhaps that was part of the problem.. they whizzed through it and didn't actually read the questions or check their spacing (there was a knowledge- and a performance-section to this test) and office jobs are really all about attention to detail. Actually, anything in the Navy is, as long as you aren't someone doing paperwork or inprocessing at boot camp or an "A" school. They can lose stuff anytime.. and I'm told that it'll be so throughout the rest of my Navy career.. Well, rest assured, Shipmates.. I won't be losing any of your paperwork or accidentally putting the wrong code into your pay info so that you don't get a check anymore.

Meanwhile.. Last weekend, some dumb kid from the base here went to a nearby hotel bar by himself, befriended a few locals, and left with them (in their car) around 2am. Since they were going to some other bar (or perhaps another event.. I do wonder about the details of this story), he asked to stop at an ATM on the way -- instead of just using the one in the lobby of the hotel. Once he'd put in his pin, they bonked him on the head, beat him up, cleared out his account, and left him there. He had already graduated, btw, and got to leave the base within the next couple of days with limited if any further consequences.

Now, in the civilian world, everyone would point and laugh at him for being dumb, knowing that he already had his bank account cleared out and he can put that in the "sucks for me" file and move on with his life, while the rest of us can use it as a reminder (if needed) not to be dumb..

In the military world, not so. Although he got away with only the natural (and, frankly, deserved) consequences for his actions, the rest of us are now suffering for his stupidity. Even people in Phase III (the highest phase of priveledge you can get while a student here) now have to check out with a buddy as well, if they're not a Petty Officer First Class. Which means that if you want to leave the base, you gotta take someone with you, keep together the whole time you're gone, and check back in together.

The buddy system has some logic to it, yes. Personally, I'd rather be on an honor buddy system where if you choose to go out without a cohort, you take upon yourselves all the risks associated therein. Which is, really, how we functioned as *gasp* civilians. So, we have the enforced buddy system. Which has at least as many potential downsides as the problems it hopes to alleviate. However, (comma) I am not the Commanding Officer of this or any other command, and everyone here has been instructed (not in so many words) to put this policy in their own "sucks for me" files and move on with life.

Unfortunately, my "sucks for me" file has gotten rather overwhelmed since I joined the Navy, and I'm not entirely certain the "yay for me!" file is enough to balance it out at all. But, that's why I have a choice in reenlisting (after FIVE years of sucks-for-me-file-growth) and in whether or not I want to make the one potential move that I'm considering which would really break down into a 10 year commitment. But, if it worked, the latter five years (and any further career time -- I'd be halfway to retirement already, after all) would be as an officer, which may not be such a bad deal after all.


In earlier news -- I've gotten a few of my most frequently-called numbers from my online phone invoices (I really do like Sprint most of the time), but the thing is that since all these numbers were plugged into my phone under names and I only brought like five numbers at all with me to bootcamp (including family members .. heck, didn't even bring most of my closest friends' numbers with me!) and I don't really recognize the numbers I used to call unless context clues (like calling in the wee hours or which area code/city the number has) help me to figure it out, I'm sorta shooting in the dark as far as trying to restore my phone book in my new phone. So, if you have my number (yes, it's the same as before, of course), feel free to call. Me not calling you doesn't mean a darn tootin' thing, except that I don't happen to have your number with me or recognize it from the invoice.

My stress levels are certainly MUCH lower now that I feel like I have access to the outside world, and to some of the parts of it I miss the most, what with having a phone again.

I've started overusing the phrase "I'm gonna go postal", because that's what I tend to say now whenever I'm theorizing about some other disappointing circumstance handed to me by the World's Finest Navy. For example: "If I don't get to leave here the day I graduate (October 7th), I'm gonna go postal." Or, "If they make another dumb policy because of some stupid kid here doing something really awful, I'm gonna go postal." I think I must have overused it sometime in my life previous to now, perhaps in middle school or early high school. But it amuses me that it's come back into frequent use. I wonder if it's because of the return of "freakin'/frickin'" to extreme overuse in my vocabulary due to bootcamp.

Mmmhmm. Whatever it is, at least now I don't have to go postal because of not having A cell phone anymore, even if it's not my real one.

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Monday, September 06, 2004

Wearing civilian clothes in my daily life does, indeed, make me much more proud to wear my uniform and much more comfortable with who I am. I only got to wear them a few days, including Friday night, and then I had duty this weekend which means wearing your uniform outside your mod all the time, mustering (getting together with everyone on duty so that they can tell you as a group what work needs to be done, etc) four times a day on non-school days, doing some random work, standing a watch or more a day usually, and NOT leaving the hill -- even the Library is off-limits on a duty weekend.

So, when I went to church (the only thing you ARE allowed to leave the hill for), I wore my whites because that's what you wear to church when wearing a uniform -- utilities are just not appropriate -- and other than that, I was in my utilities all weekend.

And now, on our day off, I'm back in my civilian clothes.. wearing one of the sarong wrap skirts and a tank top, with one of my new pairs of shoes (I got THREE at walmart on Friday.. ME! What the snot?) and my new purse-thing, and feeling really good about the freedom to dress like a normal human being again .... and I'm really looking forward to going out with some friends later. I think I'll be doing my Laundry on Tuesday, so that I can just completely relax today.

I'm wondering how my family and friends have been faring through Frances, of course. (That really didn't start out as alliteration in my mind, but it went there.) I'll probably call my mother tonight for a report, if I can get ahold of a cell phone.

Right, mine's still not in. Called Murray on Saturday about if there was any kind of tracking number, and he said there was and it was at the office and he'd call me back with it after stopping by the office on Sunday (a mod-mate and a friend each offered their cell numbers for return calls) but he never called back, and didn't answer when I called Sunday evening. Seriously, this whole situation is getting more than a little suspicious instead of just frustrating.

So, civilian clothes, an trip to Walmart (while WEARING civilian clothes), the freedom to stay out 'till Midnight nights before non-academic days.. It's getting better here, more tolerable. The base has been completely dead this weekend since everyone's been gone almost as much as they were allowed to be. And listening to my home radio station every time I'm in the library has been helping the most, I think.

I should be home in time for the Garlic festival, which I look forward to every day. And then two weeksish total of a visit, prolly including at least a little extra trip or two, depending on where my first command will be. There are some good options out there, and I actually requested to be part of a squadron (I prolly don't know much more about it than you.. you may even know much, much more) because they're shore duty 'till a ship is deployed and then they go on the ship and get all the port visits and all, so that they seem like the best of all worlds. All the fleet-returnees (or fleeters) here have recommended them.

On that note, what amuses me is how many people think that I'm a fleeter and/or have been here, at this command, for quite a while. But then, people thought that within my first week here. The fleeter thing, though, is new, and fabulous. For someone who took a year deciding to join the Navy and then went in knowing so little about it, and has only just seen the bootcamp and this command side of things, plenty of people already think I've spent some time out in the fleet. And that includes fleeters themselves.

I guess I've adjusted pretty well, then.

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Thursday, September 02, 2004

Finally took a moment to check Beth's blog to see if she had posted about my graduation weekend and the time we got to spend together (which she did! .. pictures and all), though I haven't checked Josh or Kaly's yet. I've gotta go eat some lunch now, and the Library often enough closes shortly after we get out of class. And it's closed on Saturday.. that one just frustrates me, though I'm glad it's then open on Sunday for me to come in when no one else is on the base.

Anyway.. great post, Beth! Nice to see your perspective. :) And you, by the way, are a very fun writer and I need to get back into reading other friends' blogs.. which is one of the many reasons I'm considering getting a palm pilot with a portable keyboard instead of an actual laptop. It seems to me I'd have a lot more chances to pull that thing out and read people's blogs, etc.. but then, I dunno. Those of you Palm-blog-readers, what do you think?

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Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Oh, yes.. and I remembered at the end of last week that along with pastemusic.com's radio station on live365, which works well enough but is rather quirky sometimes, my old radio station ALSO has a live broadcast, and so I am gladly listening to that with a great sense of familiarity. The nice thing about good music is that it's not entirely different after a three-month absence. Acoustic music in the morning, modern rock in the afternoons and evenings, and various shows most nights. And other special programming on the weekends. Good stuff. WNRN is a fabulous radio station. I am glad to have the chance to listen again. It's a piece of home, and not a little one, either.

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Still no cell phone, but I did have a chat with my recruiter about it yesterday, finding out that he sent it through ZipShip, who couldn't ship it express to a Naval Air Station or maybe they just don't ship express or whatever, and he didn't feel like going a mile down the road to the post office, so I'm two and a half weeks in the hole SO FAR with that, because he couldn't be bothered. And seeing as how he wasn't even supposed to be the one sending it to me, because he was supposed to have gotten it to Jim since Jim has been handling things for me on my home front, it's just that much more frustrating. I've already gotten the package of CD's, photos, and my cell phone *charger* that Jim sent a week and a half after Murray mailed out the phone itself, because Jim actually DID sent it express. Herm.

Anyway.. in better news, I had a very outstanding appointment with the dentist this morning, and feel much better taken care of here than I was at boot camp. And I will start class for real tomorrow and should graduate and leave on October 7th, making it home just in time for the annual Garlic (and wine) festival I love so much, if all goes well.

And I got some Spam in my old, old yahoo account today (I actually look through the junk mail folder sometimes since a lot of real emails are sent there both by yahoo and hotmail) and one of the lines was "Did you seen that?" Another was "our meeting on the 1th " .. Good for a chuckle. I keep trying to say that one in my head.. firth, I suppose. Which is a funney word, too.

I had watch from four to six this morning (which means it starts at 3:30am), and you can't "phase up" on duty days, so I've still got the red sticker indicating no civilian clothes (etc) on my badge, but should be able to get the orange one tonight as all the kids that came here with me from boot camp got theirs yesterday. That will feel really good.

And now I'm gonna go grab a bite real quick since our lunch break will be over soon enough and I've gotta rejoin the class (from which I seperated for dental, of course) after lunch. I'll have duty this weekend again, but then will have Monday off. It won't be anything like past labor days in my old town, but maybe there'll be something fun going on for it.


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Hippie: (after hearing Max wants to avoid the draft)You still have options man.
Max: Yeah, jail or Canada and they both suck. I mean I could never come home, so what is it, it's a choice of a 6x4 cell or an endless wasteland of frozen tundra.
Hippie: Montreal is cool.
Max:Man, they speak French there.
Groupie: So learn French. Learn French or die.
-- Across the Universe

"So how do i do normal
The smile i fake the permanent way
Cue cards and fix it kits
Can't you tell - I'm not myself
-- Frou Frou, Hear Me Out

"It's been known for a train to jump its track. It's ok, so you'll know, most times they come back. It's ok to lose your life, when you finally see your birth. It's ok to say, "I love you," and figure sometimes it's gonna hurt.
Don't forget to bring kindness, don't forget to say thanks. Don't forgot to spend your love, no it will break the bank. Don't forget to bring some empathy, for the saints and the sinners. Don't forget to bring encouragement. Yeah, we're all just beginners."
-- Bill Mallonee, Bank

"As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes, all exciting at first, but then by the end you're sick of 'em!"
-- (The late) Mitch Hedburg

"Hey, this is weird! I ordered one frozen yogurt and they gave me two. You don't happen to like frozen yogurt, do you?" "I love it!" "You're kidding! What a crazy random happenstance!"
-- Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog

"Only one more trip," said a gallant seaman,
As he kissed his weeping wife,
Only one more bag of the golden treasure
And 'twill last us all through life.
Then I'll spend my days in my cosy cottage
And enjoy the rest I've earned;
But alas! poor man! For he sail'd commander
Of the ship that never returned.
Did she never return? She never returned,
Her fate, it is yet unlearned,
Though for years and years there were fond ones watching
Yet the ship she never returned.
--The Ship that Never Returned, Henry Clay Work

"It was Flannery O'Connor who said that 'grace must wound before it heals.' Her words help me to separate what is most true about life from the things we want to be true. We want life to be painless. True grace is a hard sell because in order for the human heart to understand forgiveness and love, it must first experience darkness and isolation. A life lived under the rule of grace is a life of need which allows us to receive an appreciate the gift of the giver of grace. This is why we will always have the poor with us; this is why God will not allow us to ignore injustice; this is why we are called to a life we cannot handle alone, which can and will break us in the effort to live it -- because grace must wound before it heals."
-- Justin McRoberts

Regarding 2007:
"the year has gone quick, but most of the days haven't"

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind ?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And days o' auld lang syne

For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

And surely ye’ll be your pint-stoup !
And surely I’ll be mine !
And we’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

We twa hae run about the braes,
and pou’d the gowans fine ;
But we’ve wander’d mony a weary fit,
sin’ auld lang syne.

We twa hae paidl’d in the burn,
frae morning sun till dine ;
But seas between us braid hae roar’d
sin’ auld lang syne.

And there’s a hand, my trusty fiere !
And gies a hand o’ thine!
And we’ll tak a right gude-willie-waught,
for auld lang syne.
--Robert Burns, "Auld Lang Syne"

I thought Christmas Day would never come. But it's here at last, so Mom and Dad, the waiting's finally done. And you gotta get up, you gotta get up, you gotta get up, it's Christmas morning.

Did my sister get a baby doll? Did my brother get his bike? Did I get that red wagon, the kind that makes you fly? Oh, I hope there'll be peace on Earth, and I know there's goodwill towards men, on account o' that baby born in Bethlehem.
--Rich Mullins, You Gotta Get Up (Christmas Song)

O little town of Bethlehem,
How still we see thee lie,
Above thy deep and dreamless sleep
The silent stars go by;
Yet in thy dark streets shineth
The everlasting light
The hopes and fears of all the years
Are met in thee tonight.

O Holy Child of Bethlehem,
Descend to us we pray,
Cast out our sin, and enter in,
Be born in us today.
We hear the Christmas angels,
The great glad tidings tell,
O come to us, abide with us,
Our Lord Emmanuel.
--L.H.Redner, "O Little Town of Bethlehem"

Walk humbly, son
Walk humbly, now
And cherish every step
For a life well spent
On this earth we're lent
Will be marked by the void you have left

May you conquer (not curse) challenges
May you hold back the dark like a dam
May you lead your life with lion's roar
May you leave it like a lamb

Don't await rewards for your good deeds
A reward won't make them good
Don't await judgment of any foes
They'll receive just what they should

When you find the axis of this world
Don't tread too far inside
Run away as far as you think you can
Be well and enjoy the ride

Walk humbly, son
And store your pride
When you need strength later on
For your life's work will be judged if earth
Is saddened when you have gone

Walk humbly, son
Walk humbly, how
And forget not where you are from
May you go further than those before
And provide for those to come

Will you walk humbly, Son?
--Eddie From Ohio, Walk Humbly, Son

Strings of lights above the bed
Curtains drawn and a glass of red
All I ever get for Christmas is blue

Saxaphone on the radio
Recorded 40 years ago
All I ever get for Christmas is blue

When you play my song
Play it slowly
play it like I'm sad and lonely....

Weatherman says it's miserable
But the snow is so beautiful
All I ever get for Christmas is blue

It would take a miracle
To get me out to a shopping mall
All I really want for Christmas is you
--Over the Rhine, from Snow Angels

"In a little while I'll feel better
Gonna travel around the world
Gonna see it all

Gonna go to Paris, maybe Rome
But I'll feel better miles away from home,
Gotta figure some things out

So sell all my things, I'm not coming home
There's nothing there to keep me there
Just heartache and panic and worries and things that'll bring me down
My head feels much clearer being here

In a little while I'll feel better
Gonna spill my heart to every stranger in every town
I'll visit castles in Ireland, have some fella play the violin and play a song for me

So sell all my things, I'm not coming home
There's nothing there to keep me there
Just heartache and panic and worries and things that'll bring me down
My head feels much clearer being here
--Rosie Thomas, Sell All My Things, from Only With Laughter Can You Win

"Please tell me once again that You love me. That You love me. Please tell me once again that I matter to You and You really care. Please tell me once again that You're with me, forever. It's not that I could ever doubt you, I just love the way it sounds. I just love the way it sounds."
--This Train, I think it's from a song on Emperor's New Band.

"Every once in a while, a bannerzen posts."
--Me, during the 2002 Boredeys at Cornerstone Festival

"7:30. What kind of people have to be at work at 7:30?"
--Mr. Holland's Opus

have you seen my love
is he far away
have you seen the one for me
whose face lights up my day
i won't let one boy steal a kiss
or call me his instead i'll wait
for his voice to call out to mine
and carry these daydreams away
have you seen my love
is he far away
have you seen the one for me
who won't let me get away
please tell him that i'm
waiting for him praying for him
night and day for now i'll be a
lonely girl just longing for his sweet embrace
--Rosie Thomas, Have You Seen My Love, from When We Were Small

Traveling is significant because it takes so much effort. Either you're going to some place you love, or you're leaving some place you love. Usually it's both.
--Friend of a friend of a friend

I think I have Bond's ability to get into trouble but not his ability to get out of it. Someday I'll be in some foreign country with 5 thugs with automatic rifles pointed at me, and I'll just.... fart
--Peter, my twin brother, while we were talking about bicycle accidents.

"You had no alternative .. We must work in the world. The world is thus." --- "No .. Thus have we made the world."
-- The Mission (a movie)

The summer ends and we wonder where we are And there you go, my friends, with your boxes in your car And you both look so young And last night was hard, you said You packed up every room And then you cried and went to bed But today you closed the door and said "We have to get a move on. It's just that time of year when we push ourselves ahead, We push ourselves ahead."
And it was cloudy in the morning And it rained as you drove away And the same things looked different It's the end of the summer It's the end of the summer, When you move to another place
--Dar Williams, End of the Summer

Looking out the bedroom at this snowy TV.. ever since commencement, no one's asking 'bout me. But I bet before the night falls, I could catch the late bus.. take small provisions and this Beethoven bust. I could find work in the outskirts of the city, eat some fish on the way.. befriend an old dog for a roadside pal, find a nice couch to stay -- a pull-out sofa, if you please!"
--Eddie From Ohio, Fifth of July.

Ooh! Get me away from here I'm dying
Play me a song to set me free
Nobody writes them like they used to
So it may as well be me
Here on my own now after hours
Here on my own now on a bus
Think of it this way
You could either be successful or be us --belle and sebastian, Get Me Away From Here, I'm Dying

"The trouble with folks like Brownie is they hold their life in like a bakebean fart at a Baptist cookout and only let it slip out sideways a little at a time when they think there's nobody noticing. Now that's the last thing on earth the Almighty intended. He intended all the life a man's got inside him, he should live it out just as free and strong and natural as a bird."
--Leo Bebb in Frederick Buechner's "Treasure Hunt"

"Life is a phantasmagoria .. It is a pell-mell of confused and tumultuous scenes. We try in vain to find a purpose - to bring an order, a unity to life. I suppose that is the appeal of art. Art is the blending of the real and the unreal, the conquering of nature. It is real enough for it to reflect life, but has the unity that life lacks."
--D., in a recent email.

"in time memories fade.
senses numb.
one forgets how it feels to have loved completely."
--Pedro the Lion, The Longest Winter

I've always had this feeling about Patty that she's complex and intriguing...I like Patty alot. She's got a good heart and tells terrible squirrel jokes.
--Julie, from her blog on 4/8, after a large group of friends from all over gathered at my house for the weekend.

"Try to remember that world-weariness isn't necessarily a bad thing. In the book of Mark, I think its Mark, Jesus looks at a blind man and sighs. Jesus sighed before even telling the man he would be healed. He sighed, and I'm not sure that there's a much more human expression of frustration than this. Faced with the horrid picture of a cursed earth and looking into the white eyes of a man blind from the day he was born, He sighed. The Creator of the universe in human form was sad "of the evils of this world," the world He created. Your Creator sighed for you in the same way before He healed you and made you His."
-- Jesse, in response to my Weltschmerz blog entry

"After the last tear falls
After the last secret's told
After the last bullet tears through flesh and bone
After the last child starves
And the last girl walks the boulevard
After the last year that's just too hard
There is love

-- Andrew Peterson, After the Last Tear Falls

"when you most need people, you don't need perfection - just to know someone gives a damn"
--Jamie, during a recent IM conversation

How will you answer when, years from now, your child asks you: 'Mom or Dad, what did you do to combat the evil of squirrel hazing?'"
--From Dave Barry's Blog

"My brother's always [telling me], 'You should be more mysterious--boys like that.' But I'm not good at that. It would just make me more uncomfortable."
--Rosie Thomas, in an interview with Kathleen Wilson

"Loners want to kill you, but not for any particular reason, and they'd probably like you if they weren't being guided by the violent voices in their head."
--The non-box result from a random quiz I took today. (No, I frankly can't recommend this quiz site, but if you're really bored and you're not seeking to remain pure, go right ahead..)

"No one wants to oil a snake these days!"
-- Emmett Otter, Emmett Otter's Jug Band Christmas (Found under the Specials section of the TV section of the Henson website.)

Jamie: "I am one of the greatest criminal masterminds in the world."
Her mom: "We're all safe."

-- Jamie Bevill and her mother during Christmas-Decorating dinner, December 20, 2002

"and if i were a jetson
i'd throw out all my shoes
i'd set up cans for friends
to dump their shoes senseless shoes
a pioneer of callouses
lordy-be and bless my soul
i'd be a barefoot spaceman
the first you'd ever know"
-- Eddie From Ohio, If I were a Flinstone

"The best way to have God's will for your life is to have no will of your own!"
-- Charlene Potterbaum, Thanks Lord, I Needed That!

"Generations circle and each one atones. The sins of the father are seperate from my own. In Pilgrim's Progress, it's forgiveness that makes whole, and as time levels and consoles, I place the daisies in your bowl."
--Jan Krist, Daisies in Your Bowl

"For a moment he just stared at her. Then, with an urf-urf-urf of laughter, he turned back to the controls."
"They made good time, despite the lingering tenderness of Mara's ankle and the distractions inherent in a faceful of itch."
-- Timothy Zahn, Star Wars: Heir to the Empire

"It's on the internet.. so, then, it must be true."
-- Five Iron Frenzy, The Untimely Death of Brad

"Be at least as interested in what people can become as you are in what they have been."
-- Steve Griffin

Blessed be the rock stars!"
--Justin Dillon Stevens

Get up for the shower.. wash and scrub and scour every part as if a cleaner man could better bear the shame..
--The Waiting, Look At Me

"She was eating gnarly amounts of calcium."
--Samuel Hernandez

Homeless man to girl trying to give him money: "No, thanks, ma'am. I never work on Sundays."
-- Amilie, the movie.

"Wow! I never thought I'd need a radar-guided spatula!"
-- Larryboy, Larryboy and the Angry Eyebrows

"Isn't it great that I articulate? Isn't it grand that you can understand? ... I can talk, I can talk, I can talk!"
-- Wilbur, Charlotte's Web (the movie)

I believe that people laugh at coincidence as a way of relegating it to the realm of the absurd and of therefore not having to take seriously the possibility that there is a lot more going on in our lives than we either know or care to know... I suspect that part of it, anyway, is that every once and so often we hear a whisper from the wings that goes something like this: "You've turned up in the right place at the right time. You're doing fine. Don't ever think that you've been forgotten.
(and in another entry)
When we close our eyes to the deep needs of other people whether they live on the streets or under our own roof -- and when we close our eyes to our own deep need to reach out to them -- we can never be fully at home anywhere.
(and in another entry)
Maybe at the heart of all our travelling is the dream of someday, somehow, getting Home.
(and in another entry)
The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet. -- Frederick Buechner, Wishful Thinking: A Seeker's ABC

When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of "No answer." It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, "Peace, child; you don't understand."
-- C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

CCM: You've spoken a lot more about crying than I ever thought you would.
JK: Oh, I've cried a lot. Truthfully, I've cried a lot more this past year than I've probably cried in five years.
CCM: Why?
JK: It's fun to feel.
-- An Interview with Jennifer Knapp in the January Issue of CCM Magazine

"Youth is not a period of time. It is a state of mind, a result of the will, a quality of the imagination, a victory of courage over timidity, of the taste for adventure over the love of comfort. A man doesn't grow old because he has lived a certain number of years. A man grows old when he deserts his ideal. The years may wrinkle his skin, but deserting his ideal wrinkles his soul. Preoccuptaions, fears, doubts, and despair are the enemies which slowly bow us toward earth and turn us into dust before death. You will remain young as long as you are open to what is beautiful, good, and great; receptive to the messages of other men and women, of nature and of God. If one day you should become bitter, pessimistic, and gnawed by despair, may God have mercy on your old man's soul."
-- General Douglas MacArthur

""Don't go matchmaking for me, Ilse," said Emily wit a faint smile... "I feel in my bones that I shall achieve old-maidenhood, which is an entirely different thing from having old-maidenhood thrust upon you."
-- Emily, from the Emily books by L. M. Montgomery

"I wish Aunt Elizabeth would let me go to Shrewsbury, but I fear she never will. She feels she can't trust me out of her sight because my mother eloped. But she need not be afraid I will ever elope. I have made up my mind that I will never marry. I shall be wedded to my art"
-- Emily, from the Emily books by L. M. Montgomery

"Tomorrow seems like a long ways away. But it will come, just like any other day... Deep inside, where the wounded creatures hide, I am afraid. Maybe I got lost somewhere along the way somehow. Please rescue me... Yea, though I walk through the valley of the dark shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For you are with me... Though I fear, though I am afraid, You are with me. Though I'm angry, tired, broken down and confused, You are with me. Though I sin like I've never sinned before, lose myself right out an open door, You are with me."
-- Waterdeep, You Are With Me

"The invisible people agreed about everything. Indeed most of their remarks were the sort it would not be easy to disagree with: "What I always say is, when a chap's hungry, he likes some victuals," or "Getting dark now; always does at night," or even "Ah, you've come over the water. Powerful wet stuff, ain't it?"" -- C. S. Lewis, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

"When People object... that if Jesus was God as well as Man, then He had an unfair advantage which deprives Him for them of all value, it seems to me as if a man struggling in the water should refuse a rope thrown to him by another who had one foot on the bank, saying, "Oh but you had an unfair advantage." It is because of His advantage that He can help."
-- C. S. Lewis

"But, you know, as a Christian, one of the big questions you always ask yourself is, "So we believe in Jesus, we believe in the teachings of the church, but what does that look like when it's lived out?" Because surely, one of the things that Jesus said that I think we often overlook is, "The person who hears my words and does them is like the wise man who built his house on the rock." He didn't say "the person who hears my words and thinks about 'em" or "whoever hears my words and agrees with it." But he said, "Whoever hears it and does it."
-- Rich Mullins, during a radio interview, as quoted in An Arrow Pointing to Heaven

"find that which gives you breath and grants you more to give
because life ends not in death but with what dies inside while we live"
--Christopher Williams, Breathe

"I have packed all my belongings. I don't belong here anymore. This pair of sandles, one pack to carry, this old guitar and this tattered old Bible. And I know I won't be afraid. 'cause I know, I know Home is where You are."
--Dog Named David, Heavenly Rain

"Open up your weepy eyes, everyone is dancing. Angels peer through sweet disguise, through a fire of cleansing.
--My Brother's Mother, Finest Hour

"Long hair, no hair; Everybody, everywhere: Breathe Deep, breathe deep the Breath of God!"
-- Lost Dogs, Breathe Deep

"You may be bruised and torn and broken, but you're Mine!"
-- Asiam, Relentless Love

"I don't deserve to speak, and they don't deserve to hear it. It's makin' me believe that it's not about me."
-- Justin McRoberts, The Story Stands Alone

"Kickin' against these goads sure did cut up my feet. Didn't your hands get bloody as you washed them clean?"
-- Caedmon's Call, Here I am Again

"They say God blessed us with plenty. I say you?re blessed with poverty. ?Cause you never stop to wonder whether earth is just a little better than the Land of the Free"
-- Andrew Peterson, Land of the Free

"Computers will know everything in the 21st century. They'll be like me in the 20th century."
-- Crabby Road